I could finally see the wreck from a distance; cars were backed up for miles on this long and curvy one-lane road and when the scene first appeared at the base of a Virginia mountain-side, I gasped–not at the sight but as I noticed the mile mark—3-1-6.
Almost two years ago I had made the decision I was going to move. God had been giving me confirming messages through prayer and scripture and by this time it wasn’t a matter of if…but when. My pending thoughts on moving were a conversation between me and God so when I eventually revealed the news to my friends, family and business partners (about 6 months later), conflicting opinions created controversy.
“Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6
It had been a tough year. No, I take that back. It had been a tough three years; periods filled with beautiful peaks and very deep, dark valleys. Pain. Fear. Loneliness. Defeat. The valleys seemed to last so much longer than the peaks and it wasn’t as if moving to a new location would change that reality; however, I believed that the new scenery would help me to see the beauty even in the valley. Needless to say, I wanted a fresh start–somewhere else.
I think so many people are afraid of change because it’s so unpredictable. But isn’t life unpredictable? It doesn’t matter if change happens to us or because of us, it will still happen. I decided that if change was going to happen to me anyway, I was going to embrace it and in fact, create it.
A current and prior health train-wreck and financial train-wreck had left me very hopeless for months. Just because we know Jesus and have a relationship with Him, doesn’t mean we are immune to negative thoughts (or the enemy’s attacks). Actually, I’ve come to realize that the bigger the faith, the bigger the target. So watch your back and be prepared for anything. And instead of delaying the inevitable (change happening to me-as a result of circumstances), I decided to be proactive—and hoped to create something positive from it.
So last June of 2014 I sold and gave away all my belongings (by that point it was just meaningless baggage I wanted to leave behind), moved into a vacant condo (that a friend graciously let me stay in during my transition in Wisconsin) – with nothing but the necessities, and I began my search for a new “home.” I vaguely give specifics of what was happening during that time because the details aren’t important for this particular article. However, please don’t misinterpret the message because the decisions, circumstances and changes were far from easy. Change is never easy. I didn’t know exactly what was going to happen next, I didn’t even have a plan (not recommended) but surprisingly I was calm and at peace with whatever it would be.
“Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you.” 2 Thessalonians 3:16
…And As God always does, He aligned a location (North Carolina), a place to live, income opportunities for financial stability, a church home AND people; my, how He aligned me with amazing people! All in less than 30 days. It was home. (God honors our faith. See Hebrews 11:6)
Now, being eight months into this “fresh start” in North Carolina – a location that had never even crossed my mind when I first thought of moving, but now can’t imagine being anywhere else… I can finally look back and see God’s hand in ALL of it! Praise be to HIM!
I think sometimes we mistake the challenges God gives us as punishment or persecution, rather than opportunity. I spent a lot of time being mad at God because of where my life was at – and never really looking inward at myself and the opportunities for learning or growing from those challenges. Lesson repeated until lesson learned. UGH! I lacked faith. Sure, from a distance it may have appeared that I was faithful, trusting and obedient. But God knows our hearts. And admittedly, my heart was timid, frustrated and scared; and my inaction proved it.
It’s a humbling experience when God’s grace meets our pride (and selfishness) and we finally realize how helpless we are without Him. We’re usually faced with two choices–continue doing the same things as we were – and it will usually get worse, or surrendering and giving Him the power to control our destiny (or destination in my case) – and it will usually get better. I knew I had to start walking in faith and asking Him to show me the way, lead my steps and pave a path…if I wanted things to get better.
And He did!
...But, it required me to take action, to take the first step!
…and walk by faith…
The irony of it all was that the verses that kept popping up in my Bible reading prior to the move all had the numbers 3-1-6 in them! Even the bracelet that I wear today as I write this post is the well known verse John 3:16.
Coincidence? Hardly.
It was as if He wanted me to stop and see mile mark 3-1-6 during the 15 hour trek as confirmation that where I was headed was part of HIS plan (not my own). All the challenges that I used as excuses for not stepping out in faith for so long were now erased when I took the first step…and God made a way–just as He did when He sent his Son to the cross as a living sacrifice for our eternal redemption:
“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16
A life-transforming move to the South may not be in your future (like it was for me) but I pray that you embrace change, walk by faith and trust Jesus who will lead you towards an amazing “final-destination” — in Heaven.
“…He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.” Matthew 5:45
Most of the articles I write are born out of personal experiences. When a crazy idea or experience emerges, I then reflect on whether the information will be helpful or relevant to whoever may read it. Usually it will take days, weeks or months for an idea or experience to be a complete; however, this one took just hours.
Sunday afternoon I was reading a book at my usual spot down by the river. The sun was shining, a warm breeze cooled the Wisconsin air as husbands and wives paced side by side for their afternoon walks, father’s and son’s cast their fishing lines into the raging river hoping to reel one in for a picture, avid runners clocked their times as they hit each mile marker. It was a beautiful day.
It wasn’t long before the clouds rolled in and I felt the first rain drop hit my nose. In seconds people started to flee towards their cars to shelter themselves from a potential heavy rainfall. I couldn’t believe how quickly an active and friendly area soon became an empty, dark and desolate landscape. I froze this moment as I sat and witnessed this and began to connect and relate this scenario to real life…how the physical weather carries a similar connection to the mysteries of living. How sometimes we can go days, weeks, months and even years experiencing ‘pouring rain’ with little hope that there is a misty calm approaching; or sometimes how our life can feel like one big gray cloud that never seems to rain and never seems to shine; or sometimes how people run and hide from potential rain when most of the time it’s never as bad as they anticipate.
Let me relate this to my own personal journey. Anyone who has experienced any major challenges understands the pain associated with losing patience and hope. For the past 18 months I have gone through a cycle that I can honestly say has been the most challenging, painful and stressful time of my life. I thought I knew struggle prior to this rainfall but my perspective has significantly changed in the last year and a half.
It was around 2011 when the warm and bright sunlight of my life started to turn into gray clouds. I was anticipating a storm I just didn’t know how bad the storm would be or how long it would last. I was living a very happy, healthy, purposeful, financially stable lifestyle with a thriving business and a passionate pursuit to make a difference… when subtly gray clouds started to come in. I wasn’t surprised. Life is full of unexpected challenges. However, these gray clouds seemed to be different. They weren’t real obvious at first and I continued to live my life as if the clouds weren’t there – like I would get a headache and call it ‘stress’ or I would have a sleepless night and blame my coffee obsession. The physical pain of life never really bothered me. I was used to physical pain. I was a competitive athlete for over 18 years. I’ve blown my knees out playing basketball multiple times, sprained my ankles more times than I can even count, have had concussions, jammed fingers and black eyes from elbows to my face…my bones pop, my muscles ache, it’s just the reality of being a former athlete….so the little daily abnormalities never raised any concerns for me.
But, it seemed very quickly the scattered gray clouds grew denser and darker. My personality and attitude began to change (for no clear reason). I was more edgy, unapproachable, negative and distant (or so I’ve been told). It seemed like I was having more bad days than good days. The physical abnormalities I had experienced for years were starting to frustrate me…a lot! It wasn’t long before other areas of my life started to get increasingly difficult. A rough batch of roommates/tenants created financial strain and extra stress, a good friend would quit my business (and I would take it personal), a fight with a family member created unresolved tension and conflict, a prior 30 minute headache turned into three days with no relief.
My gray clouds quickly turned into scattered showers. It seemed like in some areas of my life things were still going well but in other areas things were just beginning to fall apart. Of course in the moment we don’t see these things as gray clouds or scattered showers. We live each day and thank God for only 24 hours because it means we can start fresh a new day; but some of those ‘new days’ seemed to be no different than the previous. I would wake up with every intention to have a positive attitude and outlook but then on the way to a meeting I would get a speeding ticket or I would get a phone call that someone close to me just passed away; pretty soon those ‘clumps’ of days turned into weeks of unending scattered showers. It didn’t take long for an unexpected raging storm to drench my life.
Ironically Wisconsin has been hit with several days of heavy rainfall. Even as I write this the thunder is rolling. But on Sunday afternoon the analogy was so clear. I could see the clouds getting darker in the distance. I could see the rain a few miles out. However, I could not predict the downpour that was about to take place. That’s what happened in 2012 when the downpour of my life hit me without warning. Sometimes, if you are lucky, the rain dissipates before it reaches you. Sometimes it moves in a different direction and someone else gets hit with it. In my case, God pointed that rain in my direction and I was not prepared to take shelter.
Looking back I can see that the scattered showers were actually warning signs from God. Either I would listen to the warning signs and do something about it before it got worse or I would have to accept the fact that heavy rain was coming my way. I’ve also learned that sometimes God has to go to extremes in order to wake us up and/or teach us something. Again, anyone who has experienced heavy rainfall for any extended period of time knows what I am talking about. I am not referring to the one or two bad days a month where everything seems to be going wrong. I am referring to the continual ‘bad days’ …and worse, not being in control or having a solution for those days.
I could argue that probably 90% of the time most people have a choice on whether their day is going to be filled with sunshine or filled with rain, just by their attitude. During most of my scattered showers, there probably could have been more days of sunshine if I would have just chose to have a better attitude. But, it seems like 10% of the time (in life) there are those moments that even a good attitude usually can’t improve the situation (i.e. grieving the loss of someone you love, serious illness, abuse, marital stress, financial disarray, etc, etc). That 10% is what I like to refer to as the ‘raging storms’ of life.
It’s in times like these that our trust and faith in God is most important. Without going into any major detail I can say with certainty that the heavy rainfall I experienced these last 18 months have been, without a doubt, an enormous test of faith. From a car accident that left me lifeless for over a month, to an inoperable brain tumor diagnosis, to major treatment decisions such as 6 weeks of radiation and several months of chemotherapy, to multiple days and weeks at a time of physical pain and sickness, to financial stress due to large medical bills, to almost losing my house, to watching team members and friends walk away from their dreams, to a healing that left me relieved but completely lost, to financial collapse, to depression, to loss of hope, to another brain tumor diagnosis, to the loss of my last living grandparent, to a family collapse and a 3rd brain tumor diagnosis; it has been a period of pouring rain with very little sunlight. I guess the old saying is true, “When it rains, it pours.”
And yet, even though it is still raining, I can finally see the sunlight beaming through the clouds. I can’t even count the number of times I thought the heavy rain would never end; that I would never see the light of day.
All of us experience different heavy storms in life and most people experience storms multiple times throughout their life, even for extended periods of time. It’s a very challenging and confusing place to be. And sometimes the storm hits you even when you try to seek shelter but often times there is no shelter at all. The storms of life are meant to change your landscape. If your landscape isn’t changed in some way, then it probably wasn’t a storm.
If you are being drenched right now, I want to encourage you that things will get better. There is always a calm after the storm. But in the meantime, here are some things that have helped me have patience and hope in the pouring rain:
Stay positive– Always be the light in a dark room. You can’t always control your circumstances but you can control your attitude in those circumstances. It helps to surround yourself with a community of friends and people who are encouraging and uplifting. LIFE Leadership has been that community for me.
Stay busy(with your priorities) – Keep your mind focused on the things and people who are important to you.
Do things you enjoy and are passionate about – Even when you don’t feel like it, force yourself to do it anyways.
Don’t complain about your problems or your bad day– The more you complain, the worse it makes you feel. BUT…
Communicate with trusted family, friends or mentors– The storms of life should never be handled alone. Guidance, support, encouragement and love is so crucial. But make sure to communicate those struggles only with those closest to you.
Serve Others – Help other people make it through their storms and you will likely think less about your storms.
Pray – Spend time communicating with God.
There are a number of other ways to overcome the raging storms of life and these are just a few that have helped me. I pray that if rain is pouring down on you right now that you cling to the hope that there IS a calm after the storm. There is a rainbow coming. There will be sunshine again. It’s just part of the process. Be patient. God has a plan for the rain you are experiencing and He wants you to use this experience to glorify Him.
Sunday afternoon when the rain came pouring down, I just sat there and let myself get drenched. It made me feel more alive than I have felt in a really long time. If you have ever been completely drenched from a rainstorm you understand what I mean – you can feel every drop, the chill runs through every vein in your body, your heartbeat races just a little bit faster than normal and it practically takes your breath away. It was the first time I was able to thank God for the raging storms in my life because it meant that I am still alive. It meant that no matter what happens to me in the pouring rain, there is ALWAYS calmness, rainbows and warm sunlight to look forward to – whether it be in this life or the next! Stay strong when rain pours down on your of life (because it will) and hold onto the hope that someday we will get to experience eternal sunlight forever with Jesus.
Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12
The hinges of the flood gates were weak and the salty downpour was a constant threat.
I was at the point where anything had the potential to tip me over.
I’m normally not an emotional person, so being in that state made me feel unstable, vulnerable and weak.
I lay in bed trying to figure out what’s wrong with me? Was I subconsciously drowning in my own self pity, fearfully questioning the next chapter of my life?
Perhaps, but something uglier was going on.
I had been feeling defeated, judged, worthless, guilty, ugly, unstable and selfish; and as a result my behavior and attitude reflected my thoughts.
Old habits that I had been freed of years ago were resurfacing, and lies I no longer believed were echoing in my ears and directing my actions.
As I lay crouched up on the couch staring into the fake embers of my gas fireplace reliving a day of selfish behavior and meltdowns, the ugly whisper returns:
…you haven’t changed one bit now have you?
…what a waste of a life you have had.
I was reliving the lies of my (misunderstood) purposeless past.
For months I had been believing these lies, indirectly forcing me to question my existence and calling.
When eventually one morning I woke up to a quieter whisper, gentle but firm.
It bid me to start writing about the lies that I had been hearing.
When I was finished with that, I began to pray for change, truth and clarity.
I paged through the bible looking for verses that would bring light to my darkness and suddenly I found myself filling my page with words of freedom and hope.
“Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long.” Psalm 25:5
“Truth shall spring up from the earth and righteousness shall look down from heaven.” Psalm 85:11
“Little children, let us not love in theory and in speech but in deed and in truth.” 1 John 3:18
And, my favorite:
John 8:32 “And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
…And just like that the lies had lost their sting – in fact these words empowered me.
It makes so much sense now. Of course Satan would tempt me into believing that I am worthless and purposeless. He is the complete antithesis of truth and life.
The chains that had been broken five years ago when I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior were already stripped from me and no lie, no matter how believable, could ever reconnect those chains.
Ironically, just a couple days ago I was diagnosed with another brain tumor – different from the first. Were some of the emotions I had been feeling linked to this subconscious but ultimately true reality? I may never know. But what I do know is that God does have a purpose and a plan. And despite the recent news, I am confident that one day I will have the answers. But until then, my hope rests in His truth and His word.
…”For I know the plans I have for you, “declares the Lord,” plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
Jesus is freedom and He is truth! And it is by His grace that we have been set free from all the lies, sin and pain of this world.
For the rest of our lives we will be surrounded by situations and lies we can’t explain but the truth is that if we don’t receive them, they can’t have power over us. Remain faithful, live courageously and arm yourself with the Truth as your sword and shield as you go out and battle the deceit and trouble of this world.
(In Latin) Veritas vos liberabit – The Truth Shall Set you Free
To stand up to any challenge, spend time on your knees.
Yesterday was the one year mark of the car accident that drastically changed my life. It still amazes me how blurry this last year has been and yet each moment is vividly clear as I stomach the thoughts of how difficult it was. Last year I spent Thanksgiving alone and in bed and I can hardly remember celebrating Christmas. I think I made an appearance somewhere? And yet this was all before the brain tumor diagnosis. I had ignored every potential sign that there was anything seriously wrong for months or even years which of course led God to intervene. I guess I just didn’t realize how persistent He was going to be. I certainly wasn’t grateful (at the time).
I was reminded this past weekend listening to Chris and Terri Brady speak at a LIFE Leadership seminar that people and community are what matter most, especially during challenges. I have always known this being that I love to serve other people. But the word ‘service’ means and feels totally different when the role is reversed. I have always had a hard time accepting help and even when I could barely make decisions on my own I fought tooth and nail with those who were only out to serve me. How selfish was I to be so stubborn. But I am so thankful looking back that the people and friends around me, especially men and women like George and Jill Guzzardo and Dave Chatmon, didn’t buy into my stubborn and manipulative ways and continued to serve and love anyways.
So as I was thinking about this topic I couldn’t help but reflect on the last couple of months. Despite a fantastic victory after a very challenging year, my life didn’t immediately turn into roses and butterflies. In fact, the challenges continue to pour like hot lava that just won’t harden. I haven’t been able to figure it out. My frustration led me to seek God.
One thing I know about God is that He always finds a way to show us what we need to see.
I was out and about and stopped to fill up at a gas station at about 10pm last night. Normally I pay at the pump with a card because it is quicker and easier but this time I wanted to get coffee so I went inside and paid with cash instead. There was a gentleman in front of me who was paying for his gas along with what looked to be possible dinner. He didn’t bring enough money in with him so he would have had to run back out to his car and get more. Listening to his conversation with the clerk (which I normally don’t do) I realized I had a few extra bucks in my hand so I offered to throw him the remainder to pay for his food. He said, “no no, I have money in the car that I will run and get.” To which I responded looking him dead in the eyes, “no, please let me.” And he did.
It wasn’t much. In fact, any random person off the street could have and would have done the same thing. But I left that gas station feeling so great. It got me thinking so much about this last year and how little I have been willing and able to serve others. I had been so focused on myself and my own problems that I forgot what was truly important – other people! No wonder I was feeling so crummy.
Philippians 2:4 says, “Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.”
Oh sure, I never gave up loving people but I was missing the most important piece: serving them.
Steven Covey talks about in his wildly popular book “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” that it takes 21 days to create a habit. What I realized after last night is that I was not making a habit of serving other people. My acts of service have been so sporadic and inconsistent that I often forgot how good it felt to do it. I know from past experiences that it was always when I was focused on other people’s needs that my needs seemed less critical and in turn didn’t consume my life.
So with the holidays approaching and knowing how difficult this time of year can be for so many people I am marking today as the start of my ’21 days of service’ project. Every day for the next 21 days I will do something, big or small, to serve someone else. I want to create a habit of serving others every day. Anyone reading this is welcome to join me.
Certainly life will still continue to throw curve balls, mountains and speed bumps along our path but if we just stay consistent and focus on the needs of others then maybe, just maybe, those challenges will seem less severe. In fact, the other day a good friend of mine sent me an encouraging text reflecting the words of one of her second graders which read, “You could be nailed to a cross!” WOW – Perspective change right in that moment. Jesus came to earth to serve us and died on a cross to give us victory and hope. We owe it to Him to pay it forward. Who is with me?
“Not to the strong is the battle, Not to the swift is the race; Yet to the true and the faithful Victory is promised through grace.” Fanny Crosby
As soon as we read the title I’m sure our mind automatically turns to ‘life in prison.’ Mine certainly does. When we see what’s happening in the world around us – on the news, in our communities – it seems that a countless number of people are committing disturbing acts only to face a consequence that deems impossible to undo. A consequence that, if written about, would portray an unfulfilled life of regrets.
But the life sentence I am referring to has nothing to do with felonies, convictions or a prison sentence. When I was in college I took a literature class that really made an impact on me looking back. In that class the professor had us write a condensed autobiography as if we were writing it about our entire life before we had actually lived our entire life. So for example 90% of the students in the class were 22 years old or younger. Most of us had not experienced anything worth writing about up to that point. Her goal (I believe) was to allow us to think critically about the decisions we would make in life if we knew it would be written about 60 years later. I was 21 years old when I took this class so for me specifically I had to imagine that I was 81 years old writing an autobiography outlining the life I had not yet lived.
It was the most difficult but best writing experience to date. Included in the directions were guiding questions that I believe made all the difference in how our young minds thought about life. These were some of the questions:
Did your career make a difference in people’s lives and give examples of how it made a difference?
What favorite memories can you share that involve family and close friends?
What struggles were you able to overcome?
How well did you play the hand you were dealt?
What were you able to contribute and are you happy with your contributions (financially, time, love)? Give examples.
What lessons did you learn?
What were your passions and did you pursue those passions?
Do you have any regrets?
Did you find purpose and meaning in your life?
If your life could be remembered in one sentence, what would be written?
I know, pretty deep questions for a 21 year old to think about (or anyone for that matter). I found my binder with my report and all the instructions included and it’s amazing how different my autobiography would be today if I were to do the same activity all over again. It truly is amazing how our perspective on life changes as we get older. Now granted I am only six years older but my thinking is drastically different.
What I never considered six years ago when writing this was the fact that none of us are guaranteed tomorrow. However, it seems that most of us live our lives as if tomorrow is for certain. It wasn’t until I was given a death sentence that my life sentence began to change. But all of us are given a death sentence – it doesn’t matter if the diagnosis is made my a doctor or by God, none of us will make it out alive.
So will the decisions we make today matter in eternity? When I ask myself this question it forces me to re-evaluate my priorities. I know perfection is impossible – every day we will fall short no matter how much we do and how hard we try; that is why Jesus was sent to the cross. But that does not give us permission to live a mediocre life or play small (as Chris Brady says). Our days are limited whether we are 1 year old, 21 years old or 81 years old. How many times do we have to hear ‘life is short’ before it actually hits us that life is short?
As I meet people and ask the deeper questions I find out how many people are living an unfulfilled or mediocre life. Not always by choice, but by default. It doesn’t surprise me though because I too have been there many times. It’s easy to get trapped by meaningless things that steal our time. But I believe so many people are looking for a way to change their life sentence. No matter how busy, distracted and stressful life can be, everyone wants to succeed, make a difference, love and be loved and find happiness. Instead of a life sentence of regrets, why not create a life sentence of resolutions.
For me, if it wasn’t for the LIFE community and the amazing leadership of Orrin and Laurie Woodward and George and Jill Guzzardo I know I would still be living a very unfulfilled life that was leading me down a path of regrets – afraid to ask myself these deeper questions. While I will always continue to fall short, I have hope that my current and future decisions will reflect a life sentence worthy of being written about. The mission of LIFE leadership is to bring world class information to the masses (millions of people) so they can choose to live a live of purpose, principles and priorities. LIFE is offering people a chance to re-write their autobiography in a way that will reflect a life of resolutions and not regrets. When it’s all said and done what will be written in your LIFE sentence?
“The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” Proverbs 16:9
I was taught a principle several years ago in the LIFE community that in order to achieve success, long-term vision is necessary. Meaning, we must live in the present but always plan and see the future of where we are going. Imagine that you can see your life five years from now so clearly that it’s almost as if you are already living that dream. You can see the land you are living on with your family, the charities you are able to support, the people you are able to help and the lifestyle you are able to live. The dream is alive and well and there is absolutely nothing that can stand in the gap of where you are and where you are going. That’s where I was just months ago.
As some of you may know, I was diagnosed with a life threatening in-operable brain tumor about 6 months ago. At first I was in such denial that I didn’t want anyone to know about it because I was sure one day I would wake up and realize it was all just a bad dream. Or I would complete my treatment and it would all be over in just a couple months. Well, six months has gone by and having already been through 3 MRI’s with contrast, 6 weeks of radiation, daily chemotherapy, cocktails of medications, weekly blood draws, 10’s of thousands of dollars in medical bills and more doctor and pharmacy visits than I can even count the bad dream has suddenly become my reality. To say my long term vision is foggy would be an understatement. In fact, my vision and plans for the future has taken a complete 180 degree turn.
Since I have moved past denial and into reality, I have realized that like anything we go through in life, numerous lessons are learned along the way no matter what the situation. So this post will be the start of a series of posts that will reflect my journey of life lessons as God reveals them to me in the coming months.
Last Tuesday I started a new chemotherapy regimen in which I am required to complete a minimum of six rounds (cycles) over the course of six months and up to a year if needed. So for one week a month I’m hit with heavy doses of poison in attempt to shrink the tumor. As you can imagine, my options for treatment have been minimal. There is really no quick fix – but then again, is there ever? Prior to my first day of this new treatment I had to take a moment for myself to really gather my thoughts and think about my future. So as I normally do when I want to think deeply I walked to the river near my house and sat staring into the water. It’s the place I usually go to sit and read, pray and dream. Except this time my thoughts were much different – the sound of my doctor’s voice as he told me the laundry list of risks this drug carries now and in the future, the potential for this not to work, the fear of side effects this will cause, etc, etc. It was a defining moment when I could finally see how real this was. Then my thoughts turned to anger, frustration and sadness. My questions of WHY were never answered. I walked home feeling defeated and alone. Every other time I could go to my spot and I could sense God’s presence right there with me but this time He wasn’t there and it made my first week of treatment very unsettling.
When I played college basketball, every season my coach would tell us that we would have a week of tryouts that she called ‘Hell week.’ And anyone who ‘made it’ through the week without quitting or walking off the court was basically on the team. If cuts needed to be made after Hell week then she knew she had a strong group of athletes. I couldn’t help but reflect on those days during this last week of treatment. The physical, mental and emotional pain that we had to endure our first week of tryouts was strikingly similar to the first week of Hell I had to experience with my new treatment. Like basketball, there were moments when I just wanted to give up and quit; asking myself, is this really worth it?
When your vision and plan shifts so drastically and so quickly, you start to question so many things. It’s not uncommon to question yourself: did I do something that physically caused this? Did I sin in some way that this is God’s way of ‘getting me back.’ You start to question the doctor’s and hospitals: Are they really trying to help me or just fatten their checkbooks? Are they offering me the best care possible to get the best outcome? You start to question your faith: Is God really going to protect me and heal me? Is God really there or am I really just all alone? What I realized in my questioning is that such questions always arise when our life starts to change, whether that be good or bad – getting married, having a baby, beginning our spiritual walk, starting a business, going to college, getting a new job, re-locating to a new living arrangement, etc. And the only solution I have been able to find in my questioning is to trust God.
Trust God when you are walking down the aisle on your wedding day, trust God when you are signing the papers to your brand new home, trust God when you are holding your newborn baby for the very first time, trust God when you are laying in the hospital bed preparing for the scariest surgery of your life, trust God when you send your son or daughter off to college, trust God even when you can’t hear him answer, trust God with everything in your life because He is the only one that hold’s the answers to your questions.
“Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.” 1 Chronicles 16:11
“Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring. ” Proverbs 27:1
Many people I come in contact with share similar experiences. We share feelings of love, kindness, empathy, sorrow, fear, hope and happiness. We share stories of dreams, struggles and victories. We also know we were created in the image of an amazing God who designed a specific plan and purpose for our life. While we are all different each in our own special way, we are also very much alike.
When I was teaching, I remember chatting with a student of mine who was graduating in just a few short months. She was so excited because she was accepted into her college of choice and was ready to grow up, get a college education, a real job and start a family. At 18 years old she had her entire life planned out. In fact, she was so focused on her future that she lost focus of the present. Her younger brother was a freshman and while I didn’t have him as a student, I knew of him because of what she shared. It was nearing the end of the school year and news became public that a freshman boy overdosed on prescription medications. It wasn’t fatal thank God but this student had left a suicide note next to the bottle of pills where his dad found him laying unconscious on his bedroom floor. This young boy happened to be the younger brother of my student. When I asked her if she had any idea that her brother was having such a hard time, her response was, “I guess I was just so focused on being done with high school I didn’t even pay attention. I had no clue he was struggling so bad.”
How many of us can share a story similar that reflects a time in our life when a situation stops us in our tracks and makes us re-evaluate our priorities? In fact, if you haven’t had something similar happen, I would venture to guess you live in a bubble. We are constantly being bombarded with obstacles that often times seem unresolvable and unexplainable. In fact, the challenges seem to be the most difficult when you are the most focused. I believe it is the enemy’s way of deterring us from God’s purpose. Unfortunately, many people break under the pressure and give up. They think that by giving in to failure, they are protecting themselves from future opposition and struggle. There are many things that are unpredictable, that I don’t understand and can’t explain but there are a few absolutes that I do know for sure; none of us are getting out of here alive and we will always be faced with obstacles no matter how significant or insignificant we choose to live our lives.
I recently heard this story about a 17-year-old boy who has changed lives (mine included) because of his story and his choice to live a life of significance in the face of impending death. This story moved me to tears and I would hope his legacy is worth 22 minutes of your time. Check it out:
When I heard that Zach passed away just two days ago on May 20th, 2013 at the age of 18 it took my breath away. We watch this video of this happy, talented, positive teenager, so full of life and love and knowing throughout the video that his condition is terminal, we want to believe that his story will be different. That it won’t end like every other story. He will be the exception and the miracle we desperately want to hear about. But he wasn’t, he was taken too soon and left this earth like all of us eventually will. As I was listening to Zach speak, I was so inspired by his strength during what most people would define as the most difficult time of one’s life.
What makes Zach so different from the rest of us is Zach made the decision to live even when he knew he was going to die. But what I found most inspiring was the fact that Zach didn’t just need a death sentence to finally start living, he never stopped living from the day he was born. So in his mind, at 17 years old he had lived a full life and had closure. He said he wanted to spend his last months making others happy and offering whatever he could to his loved ones so that they would have things to remember him by. How many of us, today, can say that if God took us tomorrow and we were shown the last few months of our life, that we would have peace and closure on how we lived it?
I will be the first to admit that I wouldn’t. It is when we hear stories such as this that we are again reminded to re-examine the way in which we are living our life. Benjamin Franklin said, “most people die at 25 and wait until 75 to be buried.” If life is so short, then why are so many people taking it for granted?
Orrin Woodward and Oliver DeMille talk about the five laws of decline in their bestseller, Leadershift. With that they explain the 90/10 concept of Sturgeon’s Law. That with anything 90% (or the majority) is crud and the remaining 10% is good. In leadership, George Guzzardo says that 90% of the people are not performing up to their true potential and 10% of the people are. And in life I believe 90% of the people are coasting through life just trying to make it to death safely, while the remaining 10% are choosing to live a life of significance and purpose. The question I have is, do you want to be part of the 90% or part of the 10%? As it has been said, none of us are getting out of here alive. But all of us have been given the gift of life. In the words of Zach Sobiech, “You don’t have to find out you are dying in order to start living.”
In remembrance of a courageous and inspiring teenager – R.I.P Zach – may we all strive to live as you lived.
“What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.” James 4:14
