The hinges of the flood gates were weak and the salty downpour was a constant threat.
I was at the point where anything had the potential to tip me over.
I’m normally not an emotional person, so being in that state made me feel unstable, vulnerable and weak.
I lay in bed trying to figure out what’s wrong with me? Was I subconsciously drowning in my own self pity, fearfully questioning the next chapter of my life?
Perhaps, but something uglier was going on.
I had been feeling defeated, judged, worthless, guilty, ugly, unstable and selfish; and as a result my behavior and attitude reflected my thoughts.
Old habits that I had been freed of years ago were resurfacing, and lies I no longer believed were echoing in my ears and directing my actions.
As I lay crouched up on the couch staring into the fake embers of my gas fireplace reliving a day of selfish behavior and meltdowns, the ugly whisper returns:
…you haven’t changed one bit now have you?
…what a waste of a life you have had.
I was reliving the lies of my (misunderstood) purposeless past.
For months I had been believing these lies, indirectly forcing me to question my existence and calling.
When eventually one morning I woke up to a quieter whisper, gentle but firm.
It bid me to start writing about the lies that I had been hearing.
When I was finished with that, I began to pray for change, truth and clarity.
I paged through the bible looking for verses that would bring light to my darkness and suddenly I found myself filling my page with words of freedom and hope.
“Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long.” Psalm 25:5
“Truth shall spring up from the earth and righteousness shall look down from heaven.” Psalm 85:11
“Little children, let us not love in theory and in speech but in deed and in truth.” 1 John 3:18
And, my favorite:
John 8:32 “And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
…And just like that the lies had lost their sting – in fact these words empowered me.
It makes so much sense now. Of course Satan would tempt me into believing that I am worthless and purposeless. He is the complete antithesis of truth and life.
The chains that had been broken five years ago when I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior were already stripped from me and no lie, no matter how believable, could ever reconnect those chains.
Ironically, just a couple days ago I was diagnosed with another brain tumor – different from the first. Were some of the emotions I had been feeling linked to this subconscious but ultimately true reality? I may never know. But what I do know is that God does have a purpose and a plan. And despite the recent news, I am confident that one day I will have the answers. But until then, my hope rests in His truth and His word.
…”For I know the plans I have for you, “declares the Lord,” plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
Jesus is freedom and He is truth! And it is by His grace that we have been set free from all the lies, sin and pain of this world.
For the rest of our lives we will be surrounded by situations and lies we can’t explain but the truth is that if we don’t receive them, they can’t have power over us. Remain faithful, live courageously and arm yourself with the Truth as your sword and shield as you go out and battle the deceit and trouble of this world.
(In Latin) Veritas vos liberabit – The Truth Shall Set you Free