I could finally see the wreck from a distance; cars were backed up for miles on this long and curvy one-lane road and when the scene first appeared at the base of a Virginia mountain-side, I gasped–not at the sight but as I noticed the mile mark—3-1-6.
Almost two years ago I had made the decision I was going to move. God had been giving me confirming messages through prayer and scripture and by this time it wasn’t a matter of if…but when. My pending thoughts on moving were a conversation between me and God so when I eventually revealed the news to my friends, family and business partners (about 6 months later), conflicting opinions created controversy.
“Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6
It had been a tough year. No, I take that back. It had been a tough three years; periods filled with beautiful peaks and very deep, dark valleys. Pain. Fear. Loneliness. Defeat. The valleys seemed to last so much longer than the peaks and it wasn’t as if moving to a new location would change that reality; however, I believed that the new scenery would help me to see the beauty even in the valley. Needless to say, I wanted a fresh start–somewhere else.
I think so many people are afraid of change because it’s so unpredictable. But isn’t life unpredictable? It doesn’t matter if change happens to us or because of us, it will still happen. I decided that if change was going to happen to me anyway, I was going to embrace it and in fact, create it.
A current and prior health train-wreck and financial train-wreck had left me very hopeless for months. Just because we know Jesus and have a relationship with Him, doesn’t mean we are immune to negative thoughts (or the enemy’s attacks). Actually, I’ve come to realize that the bigger the faith, the bigger the target. So watch your back and be prepared for anything. And instead of delaying the inevitable (change happening to me-as a result of circumstances), I decided to be proactive—and hoped to create something positive from it.
So last June of 2014 I sold and gave away all my belongings (by that point it was just meaningless baggage I wanted to leave behind), moved into a vacant condo (that a friend graciously let me stay in during my transition in Wisconsin) – with nothing but the necessities, and I began my search for a new “home.” I vaguely give specifics of what was happening during that time because the details aren’t important for this particular article. However, please don’t misinterpret the message because the decisions, circumstances and changes were far from easy. Change is never easy. I didn’t know exactly what was going to happen next, I didn’t even have a plan (not recommended) but surprisingly I was calm and at peace with whatever it would be.
“Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you.” 2 Thessalonians 3:16
…And As God always does, He aligned a location (North Carolina), a place to live, income opportunities for financial stability, a church home AND people; my, how He aligned me with amazing people! All in less than 30 days. It was home. (God honors our faith. See Hebrews 11:6)
Now, being eight months into this “fresh start” in North Carolina – a location that had never even crossed my mind when I first thought of moving, but now can’t imagine being anywhere else… I can finally look back and see God’s hand in ALL of it! Praise be to HIM!
I think sometimes we mistake the challenges God gives us as punishment or persecution, rather than opportunity. I spent a lot of time being mad at God because of where my life was at – and never really looking inward at myself and the opportunities for learning or growing from those challenges. Lesson repeated until lesson learned. UGH! I lacked faith. Sure, from a distance it may have appeared that I was faithful, trusting and obedient. But God knows our hearts. And admittedly, my heart was timid, frustrated and scared; and my inaction proved it.
It’s a humbling experience when God’s grace meets our pride (and selfishness) and we finally realize how helpless we are without Him. We’re usually faced with two choices–continue doing the same things as we were – and it will usually get worse, or surrendering and giving Him the power to control our destiny (or destination in my case) – and it will usually get better. I knew I had to start walking in faith and asking Him to show me the way, lead my steps and pave a path…if I wanted things to get better.
And He did!
...But, it required me to take action, to take the first step!
…and walk by faith…
The irony of it all was that the verses that kept popping up in my Bible reading prior to the move all had the numbers 3-1-6 in them! Even the bracelet that I wear today as I write this post is the well known verse John 3:16.
Coincidence? Hardly.
It was as if He wanted me to stop and see mile mark 3-1-6 during the 15 hour trek as confirmation that where I was headed was part of HIS plan (not my own). All the challenges that I used as excuses for not stepping out in faith for so long were now erased when I took the first step…and God made a way–just as He did when He sent his Son to the cross as a living sacrifice for our eternal redemption:
“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16
A life-transforming move to the South may not be in your future (like it was for me) but I pray that you embrace change, walk by faith and trust Jesus who will lead you towards an amazing “final-destination” — in Heaven.
Has anyone ever thought this? …I wish I could change the status of my life like I change the settings on my computer or my smart phone.
I’ll be the first to admit that I have uttered these words under my breath. “If only my life had a restart button, I would do so many things different.”
“… I’d do this better… I’d manage this more appropriately…I’d be more intentional regarding this…I’d make better decisions regarding that…”
When my grandma was dying she quickly started to fade into dependence on others (and God). In her final weeks and days, she lost her independence and her ability to take care of herself, but she never lost her spirit. My grandma was always so strong and independent; she rarely asked for help and even lived alone for an additional five years after my grandfather had passed away…without transportation, technology or a “restart” button on her life. She enjoyed quality time with friends and family (especially with me!), loved to cook, sing, dance, read her Bible, pray and bring joy to others.
The last week of her life I remember having a bit of a crying spell. I knew her time was coming to an end and I just couldn’t bear the thought of living without her. I remember our last conversation so clearly. She was sitting in her recliner at home, weak and frail but looking for the strength to stay alert; and somehow God gave her the capacity and ability to talk with me for nearly an hour – fully “grandma.”
I asked her: “Grandma, whatcha’ thinking about?”
She said: “Kristen, I didn’t think it would come this soon.”
Trying to fight back tears for nearly an hour, I asked: “What do you mean? What does it feel like?”
She looked me square in the eyes and said: “…it feels short. I remember my childhood, my wedding, the birth of my children and every event that brought me joy throughout the years. When I am alone, I think of all the good times. It makes me grateful. None of the hard times even matter.”
I just remember sitting there holding her hands, looking into her eyes, trying to embed the feeling and image of this angel woman who changed my life, into my heart.
I asked her, “Is there anything you wished you could do over?”
She responded confidently (as she always did for as long as I knew her), “Nothing. I’ve had such a great life. God has given me so much. It wasn’t perfect but it was the perfect life God had for me.”
If there was ever a time that someone might want to hit the “restart” button on their life, I’d think it would be at the end. And as I reflect on this conversation with my grandma, I am convicted and reminded that no matter how much I sometimes want to “hibernate” or “shut down” or hit “restart” on my life, that I am just wasting time being ungrateful for the life God has given me.
I often wonder if I was asked those same questions would I respond in the same manner. Would I answer with a grateful heart or a regretful heart? Would words of wisdom flow from my tongue or a sense of weariness flood from my heart?
I believe that gratitude is a choice we make:
When we start a new day…
When we start a new chapter in our lives…
When we face new challenges…
…in all circumstances.
A.W. Tozer once said, “The goodness of God is infinitely more wonderful than we will ever be able to comprehend.” (I am so grateful for this promise!)
God didn’t give us buttons to push in order to change our life, He loves us so much that He gave us His Son instead.
In that same conversation just five days before she passed away, I joked with her and said, “Well grandma, it looks like you are going to get to see Jesus before I do.”
And in a quick wit that served her well to the end, she teased with a twinkle in her eye, “Are you jealous?”
We both smiled with tears in our eyes. She knew that I knew she would be okay. Selfishly, I didn’t want her to go. But, I am grateful that she had a relationship with Jesus Christ, who saved her life for all of eternity. Because of Him, I will get to see her again someday.
Don’t pray for God to change your situation or your status, pray for God to change your heart…to a heart of gratitude.
“Gratitude turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity…it makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and gives hope for tomorrow.” Melody Beattie
Love,
Kristen
Remembering my best friend and guardian angel:
Ann Mardoian: March 26th, 1925 – February 23rd, 2014
“Have you ever done this type of work before…?” The facility director asked with optimism.
“Some, but not professionally.” I responded. “…But I love doing this kind of work.”
I was desperate to find something during a critical transitional time so it didn’t matter what type of work I would be doing. 3rd shift CNA-type work was acceptable as long as it filled the need I had been looking for.
I didn’t know what I was getting myself into when I took the position. I had one co-worker tell me, “This can be a disgusting job if you aren’t used to it…” My only thought was, what’s so disgusting about caring for others? It wasn’t the job or work that bothered me. These were human beings, people who had families that loved them and a life story. Another co-worker said, “Don’t try to get too close to the residents….places like this are where people come to die.”
You are kidding me right? What a heartless thing to say.
But, many did die…on my watch.
After spending some time with the residents, I began to wonder what their lives used to be. People change drastically when they grow old. Being a caregiver on the graveyard shift left me ‘getting to know’ the residents mostly through their pictures. In one of the pictures was a resident dancing in the arms of her husband with her eyes closed, smiling with such an infectious bliss, one would think it was the happiest moment in her life. But she deteriorated fast; it was painful to watch her in a catatonic state, barely blinking and not moving in her bed. That was very common on the memory care unit I was primarily assigned to.
After merely a few hours working in the facility, I could feel how lonely most of these people were. I find it too difficult to imagine how friends and family of a deceased resident could recall their fondest memories at the funeral while completely omitting the time they left the resident by themselves when they needed company the most.
On the random occasion when I would pick up a day shift, I noticed it was not uncommon for a resident to sit quietly by themselves looking out the window waiting for love and interaction with someone who cared to give them time. “This is Heaven’s waiting room…” one nurse said, as I remember a time sadly gazing at the woman who always kept her Bible and cross close to her side in the wheelchair with a lonely hollow glare in her eyes. However, her soul was anything but hollow.
…Heaven’s waiting room…? I thought…
Isn’t life a ‘waiting room’ for Heaven?
I imagine being ‘one of them’ – completely dependent on someone else to take care of me; how it must feel to completely surrender your independence because you just can’t do it on your own.
I remember back when I realized I just couldn’t do it on my own; when I needed to surrender my independence to The One who I could completely depend on. I wasn’t elderly, and I wasn’t needing someone to feed, dress, change and bath me. Actually, I needed more than that. I was in need of a Savior; a rescuer. Not a caregiver.
From the perspective of time, Heaven is eternal, everlasting, never-ending. Life is not. We enter into it about as fast as we leave it (and often the same way). God knew it would be that way; He knew it would be temporary, which is why He provided a Savior in Jesus Christ as a bridge to eternal life. He knew that in His waiting room we would experience fear, anxiety, anticipation, questions, anger and frustration. But he also knew we would experience courage, peace, patience, joy, purpose and love. He knew that some people would spend less time waiting than others (realizing that people who pass early in life just had an appointment with Him much sooner than the rest). And while we may not like that reality (right now), it isn’t the last time we will ever see them, because we have an appointment with Him too, someday – which will bring us back to them.
“Death is a lot less scary when you have something to look forward to…” I remember whispering in her ear when she was approaching her final days ‘in the waiting room.’
It was hard not to get attached. I love(d) these residents dearly.
Every interaction was a reminder for me not to take my days for granted. Boy was that ‘desperation’ job a blessing. And as we sit in the real ‘waiting rooms’ of life, faced with the unknown of our present (and future), we are reminded of the promises God has for those who love Him:
“Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” John 14:27
“Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith, be men (and women) of courage; be strong.” 1 Corinthians 16:13
“Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” Romans 12:12
…and always remember in the waiting rooms of life that there is nothing ‘unknown’ to God.
“This is my command – be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
When I was younger, I remember being afraid of everything! My mom would ask me to get something out of the basement and I would sprint up the stairs thinking someone was chasing me. In order for me to fall asleep at night I needed to have the TV on in my room because I was afraid of the noises that my house made. When I would go for a run outside by myself I was paranoid of cars that slowed down beside me because I was afraid of being kidnapped. To this day I can’t watch scary movies, go on roller coasters, walk alone at night or fall asleep in silence. It’s amazing how our mind conjures up thoughts that aren’t real.
I know I know, these fears seem pretty lame being that I am an adult. But I don’t want to discount the fact that there are real fears people face every day. For example: snakes, heights, ghosts, disease, drowning, flying, spiders, loss, tornadoes, crowds, commitment, loneliness, public speaking – this list could go on and on. A couple years ago when I was teaching, I had a student approach me about one of her fears. She had just been at a funeral for her grandmother who passed away and was very broken up about it. This had been the first person she had lost who was really close to her. She asked me, “Ms. Seidl, what happens when you die?” Wow, certainly a question I was not prepared to answer at that moment. She proceeded to say that she was afraid of dying – that she had thought about what it might be like to go to bed and not wake up the next day. It saddened me to hear that she had this fear at such a young age. But it is a reality we will all face at some point. While I don’t plan on elaborating about our conversation, I will point out that most of the time our fears manifest because of a negative experience.
Think about the fears that you have – why do they exist? My fear of roller coasters came about because when I was in grade school my cousin literally dragged me on a ride that I did not want to go on. I got sick, I cried and I never went on another roller coaster again. My fear of scary movies also came about because I was forced to watch the ‘Chucky’ movies when I was 7 years old and had nightmares of all my dolls attacking me. Now anytime I am forced to watch a scary movie, I do so with a blanket over my head and my ears plugged (no joke) – I would prefer to sleep at night without re-living the movie in my dreams.
Recently I had some other fears. As I mentioned in my previous post, my medical diagnosis sprouted a whole new list of mental blocks. Some of you may relate and some of you may not. My prayer is that by explaining the thought process I went through in this specific situation you can overcome similar obstacles that are holding you back. Last year I was running really hard with my LIFE business. We had great momentum and incredible growth. With that came a lot of responsibility. Many of the people who joined my community were looking to me as their leader to help guide them and move them in the right direction. Then the moment came where I couldn’t help them like I wanted to. Physically, mentally, emotionally I was not there for them and eventually some of those people chose a different path. But it wasn’t just a couple… Witnessing this made me even more discouraged as I blamed myself for their leaving. This result eventually paralyzed me to inaction. I was so afraid of moving forward because I didn’t want to commit to someone that I may not be able to help. While my intention was legitimate, my methods were ineffective. Instead of focusing on what I knew I could do, I focused on what I thought I couldn’t do. That’s what fear does. It changes our perspective and our belief in what we know we can accomplish – it wimpifies us (as Chris Brady states). Oh sure, I continued to do the easy things – but when it came to setting and running for goals and chasing after my purpose – I was a wimp. Because I let this fear manifest in my mind for so long, I lost a lot of time that could have been used to help change another life by leading them to our information and our community.
Sometimes our solution is to justify our fears. For example – I would tell myself, “I am sick so I can’t…” or “it’s okay to take a break for a little while…” While these may seem like viable reasons, it doesn’t mean it’s okay for me to use them. All justification does is trains us to lie to ourselves. Have there been many days I physically couldn’t build my business? Absolutely – but there were just as many days where I could – and I didn’t.
The reason I share this recent experience is because I finally overcame this current fear and I want my experience to help someone else even quicker than it took me realize. It’s hard to write about an experience you haven’t quite learned from yet. So what changed? I once heard someone say that the mind is the enemies playground. If your mind is fixed on the wrong things then Satan will surely encourage you to continue with those thoughts. But when your mind is fixed on God, He will guard your heart and your thoughts (Hebrews 3:1). We can pray, we can go to church, we can talk about God and we can sing his praises but until we allow Him to invade our heart and give Him complete control over everything in our lives – even our fears, we will always be in a tug of war with our thoughts.
I encourage you to leave your fears at the foot of the cross. When in doubt, when afraid, when confused, when discouraged – fix your thoughts on God and you will know with complete certainty that there is no fear in Christ.
“The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” Proverbs 16:9
I was taught a principle several years ago in the LIFE community that in order to achieve success, long-term vision is necessary. Meaning, we must live in the present but always plan and see the future of where we are going. Imagine that you can see your life five years from now so clearly that it’s almost as if you are already living that dream. You can see the land you are living on with your family, the charities you are able to support, the people you are able to help and the lifestyle you are able to live. The dream is alive and well and there is absolutely nothing that can stand in the gap of where you are and where you are going. That’s where I was just months ago.
As some of you may know, I was diagnosed with a life threatening in-operable brain tumor about 6 months ago. At first I was in such denial that I didn’t want anyone to know about it because I was sure one day I would wake up and realize it was all just a bad dream. Or I would complete my treatment and it would all be over in just a couple months. Well, six months has gone by and having already been through 3 MRI’s with contrast, 6 weeks of radiation, daily chemotherapy, cocktails of medications, weekly blood draws, 10’s of thousands of dollars in medical bills and more doctor and pharmacy visits than I can even count the bad dream has suddenly become my reality. To say my long term vision is foggy would be an understatement. In fact, my vision and plans for the future has taken a complete 180 degree turn.
Since I have moved past denial and into reality, I have realized that like anything we go through in life, numerous lessons are learned along the way no matter what the situation. So this post will be the start of a series of posts that will reflect my journey of life lessons as God reveals them to me in the coming months.
Last Tuesday I started a new chemotherapy regimen in which I am required to complete a minimum of six rounds (cycles) over the course of six months and up to a year if needed. So for one week a month I’m hit with heavy doses of poison in attempt to shrink the tumor. As you can imagine, my options for treatment have been minimal. There is really no quick fix – but then again, is there ever? Prior to my first day of this new treatment I had to take a moment for myself to really gather my thoughts and think about my future. So as I normally do when I want to think deeply I walked to the river near my house and sat staring into the water. It’s the place I usually go to sit and read, pray and dream. Except this time my thoughts were much different – the sound of my doctor’s voice as he told me the laundry list of risks this drug carries now and in the future, the potential for this not to work, the fear of side effects this will cause, etc, etc. It was a defining moment when I could finally see how real this was. Then my thoughts turned to anger, frustration and sadness. My questions of WHY were never answered. I walked home feeling defeated and alone. Every other time I could go to my spot and I could sense God’s presence right there with me but this time He wasn’t there and it made my first week of treatment very unsettling.
When I played college basketball, every season my coach would tell us that we would have a week of tryouts that she called ‘Hell week.’ And anyone who ‘made it’ through the week without quitting or walking off the court was basically on the team. If cuts needed to be made after Hell week then she knew she had a strong group of athletes. I couldn’t help but reflect on those days during this last week of treatment. The physical, mental and emotional pain that we had to endure our first week of tryouts was strikingly similar to the first week of Hell I had to experience with my new treatment. Like basketball, there were moments when I just wanted to give up and quit; asking myself, is this really worth it?
When your vision and plan shifts so drastically and so quickly, you start to question so many things. It’s not uncommon to question yourself: did I do something that physically caused this? Did I sin in some way that this is God’s way of ‘getting me back.’ You start to question the doctor’s and hospitals: Are they really trying to help me or just fatten their checkbooks? Are they offering me the best care possible to get the best outcome? You start to question your faith: Is God really going to protect me and heal me? Is God really there or am I really just all alone? What I realized in my questioning is that such questions always arise when our life starts to change, whether that be good or bad – getting married, having a baby, beginning our spiritual walk, starting a business, going to college, getting a new job, re-locating to a new living arrangement, etc. And the only solution I have been able to find in my questioning is to trust God.
Trust God when you are walking down the aisle on your wedding day, trust God when you are signing the papers to your brand new home, trust God when you are holding your newborn baby for the very first time, trust God when you are laying in the hospital bed preparing for the scariest surgery of your life, trust God when you send your son or daughter off to college, trust God even when you can’t hear him answer, trust God with everything in your life because He is the only one that hold’s the answers to your questions.
“Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.” 1 Chronicles 16:11
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27
Fear and insecurity manifest together. Most of us struggle with feelings of insecurity. That being said, leaders must commit to laying a foundation of strong personal security.
Security provides the foundation for strong leadership. When we feel insecure, we drift from our mission whenever trouble arises. We must feel secure, or when people stop liking us, when funding drops, when morale dips or when others reject or criticize us, we will crumble. If we do not feel secure, fear will eventually cause us to sabotage our leadership.
When I was teaching high school physical education, I had a plan to implement reading as part of our curriculum. My first run at this was rocky. I had ordered a specific book that was designed for teenagers to grow and develop themselves. I decided to only implement this program with freshman students so as not to overwhelm myself during this trial process. When I told my former colleagues my plan, they kind of rolled their eyes and wished me luck; each of them with their own opinion of course. Each student had their own book and at the beginning of each class period they would come to my cart, find their book and start where they left off each day, reading for 15 minutes every day. We had block scheduling so our class periods were 90 minutes long which left plenty of time for activity. After taking attendance, I would sit down and read with them for the allotted time frame. Then for 5 minutes we would have a short discussion on some of the content.
While it sounds like this plan was perfectly executed and well-intentioned, I can not tell you how many obstacles I had to face during that semester. I had faced a lot of criticism not only from my students but from administrators, colleagues and parents. However, I stood my ground and continued with my plan. After about a month, the chirping stopped and I was finally able to do my job. Being a new teacher to the school, I was fearful of what people would think of me. I was worried that my colleagues would think I was trying to out-do their classes by making my plan seem more intelligent. When other classes would be preparing for the days activities by warming up and stretching and my students came to class, grabbed their book and sat down on the floor to read, I couldn’t help but question myself, “am I doing the right thing?” My insecurities eventually faded as I could see the changes in my students behavior and personality. My mission and purpose was being carried out the way I had envisioned. By the end of the semester I was confident that I did the right thing.
What I realized from this experience was that as I felt like the insecure person, it may have been that other’s insecurities caused me to question my own beliefs and purpose.
Insecure people share several common traits:
They don’t provide security for others
They take more than they give
They continually limit their best people
They limit or sabotage their organizations success
There are several common symptoms of insecurity:
Comparison – we compare ourselves with others and keep score
Compensation – we feel like a victim and must compensate for our losses
Competition – we become self consumed and try to outdo others
Compulsion – we feel driven to perform in order to gain others’ approval
Condemnation – we judge others or ourselves, resulting in self pity or conceit
Control – we feel we must take charge, protect our interests and manipulate
Effective leadership begins with an emotionally and spiritually healthy leader. Why must we focus on our personal security?
Leadership must flow out of ‘being’ not merely ‘doing.’
Strong character is necessary to sustain strong conduct.
Insecure leaders cause their organizations to plateau.
Personal security provides the infrastructure to support leaders in adversity.
Insecure leaders will never empower and develop secure followers.
Inward strength provides the only hope of finishing well.
When I think about leaders such as George Guzzardo and Orrin Woodward, I immediately can recognize their strength in being emotionally and spiritually healthy. They have established their identity in Christ, not in performance. They have allowed God to break them of self-sufficiency and self-promotion, thereby trusting only in God to lead them. And they have discovered and continually practice their God-given purpose in life.
If we want to develop security in our own lives, it is important to identify our basic human needs so that we know how to properly respond to these issues.
Human need #1: A sense of worth – if missing, we feel inferior.
Human need #2: A sense of belonging – if missing, we feel insecure.
Human need #3: A sense of purpose – if missing, we feel illegitimate.
Human need #4: A sense of competence – if missing, we feel inadequate.
In order to properly respond to these basic human needs, leaders should first settle the issues with God before they reach positions of influence. Our personal worth and security must come from our ‘secret history’ with God. We should never place our emotional health in the hands of another human being and we must release people from the expectation that they will meet our basic needs. We become healthy leaders only when we don’t expect others to meet the needs that only God can meet.
God equips each and every one of us to face our fears and develop strong personal security. In today’s world, we need people who are willing to develop themselves into leaders thereby reversing the cycle of decline and staying true to their convictions.
Within us all is a craving to belong. I don’t think any person goes through life saying, “I wish I was all alone.” That being said, community is a very important aspect to a person’s life. Of all the groups of people I have associated with, the LIFE business community, created by Orrin Woodward, George Guzzardo and five other leadership masterminds has to be the most special.
From the time I was young I was connected to a community. It started at a young age where I associated with reading buddies, intramural sports, summer camps and rec leagues. Then it moved to study groups, varsity athletics, volunteer projects and social networking. From there it moved to employment groups, college athletics, bar league softball and winter rec sports. There has never been a time in my life where I wasn’t associated with some type of community group. While it was enjoyable and a great learning experience in the moment, it became very overwhelming because I was spinning plates trying to commit to so many different organizations. It also seemed that most of the groups I belonged to were for entertainment purposes and added very little value to my future.
It wasn’t until I was introduced to the LIFE business that I found a real community that added tremendous value to my life!
I began associating at weekly meetings with people who had a common vision that aligned with a similar purpose to mine. These people were so different than what I was used to; positive, uplifting, motivated, loving and servant men and women. It was a culture shock when I first got around them because I wasn’t used to this type of environment. I was always so used to being around gossip, negativity and selfishness that I didn’t know if I should even trust this group. But it didn’t take long for me to adjust because in the process of figuring out if these people were really real, I was developing an addiction to the environment.
My addiction and craving turned into passion where I began to fall in love with the LIFE community.
For the first time in my life I had found my sense of belonging. Almost every other organization I was associated with prior made me adjust to who they were and in the LIFE business community I could finally discover who I was and be accepted for who I was while making personal changes in the process. In George Guzzardo’s article, Association, the 3rd C he says, “A community like this helps clarify our purpose. Associating with those who have a high standard of performance builds greater commitment to learning and changing.” I didn’t realize how much I needed to change and grow until I associated with people who were so much further along in the journey. I just wanted to model their character, servant heart and leadership skills.
I never could have imagined in my life I would be blessed to join a community like the LIFE business. It has given me proof that this connection was truly God ordained.
Most communities I was used to being a part of left spirituality out. In fact, the only time I remember bringing God into my prior associations was when I was playing college basketball. Right before every game in the locker room my coach would get us in a circle and we would all hold hands and say a prayer as a team. That was the first time I had experienced the word of God in a community setting. While the LIFE business doesn’t claim to be a religious organization, Orrin Woodward and the founders believe that God’s hand has blessed our community and by His grace and love we have been given a gift to share that blessing with others. And in the process, many people will discover and develop a deeper relationship with their Creator. I couldn’t imagine going through life without this community. I have been blessed with many friends and mentors who I love dearly and I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world and I don’t believe there is anything else out there that compares to the LIFE community. I encourage you, if you are looking for that sense of belonging that has been the missing link in all your other associations, you will find it here in the LIFE business!
We all have secrets/baggage; things in our life we prefer not to talk about. It may be attached to guilt, shame or pride and that’s why we choose to keep it hidden. We are afraid of what people might think if they only knew. I feel like sometimes we hold onto baggage like a security blanket that we never want to get rid of. The truth is, I have a big piece of baggage that I have kept a secret for a while and I am finally ready to let it go. Many prayers were said before I made the decision to write this so I pray that it inspires you to let go of some of the baggage you carry in your life.
Recently I have been studying the book of Matthew (again). It simply summarizes Christ’s birth, His walk on earth and His death and resurrection and gives us scriptural evidence through narrative history, parables and sermons proving that Jesus is our healer, our protector and our Savior.
Ironically, one of the first books of the bible I was encouraged to study when I first began my spiritual walk was Matthew. God certainly has a sense of humor as He sends me back around to study the very book that saved me only a handful of years ago. Let me explain:
When I was in 8th grade I remember sitting at the lunch table at school with my friends, staring at my bag of food, frustrated with a situation that had happened at home that morning. Situations seemed to happen a lot at that time. I was angry and I didn’t know how to handle those feelings. I believe it was the angriest I had ever been up to that point in my life. I remember getting up, throwing my lunch in the trash and sitting in a bathroom stall waiting for my next class to start. I went about my day, quiet and distant, went to basketball practice and went home still angry not understanding why I couldn’t let go of this feeling.
It was a subtle change at first. I would ‘forget’ my lunch at home, lie about not having money and tell people I just wasn’t hungry. I was 14 years old, no one even had a clue… not even me! I was a perfectionist, an extreme-ist and always had been; strived to get straight A’s, worked out extra hard to be the best athlete in whatever sport I played and always tried to please everyone! It was a sickness that had led to my sickness.
I was really good at hiding it too. Like I said, I didn’t really know that what I was doing was wrong but I was smart enough to know that I loved the way it made me feel. I was in complete control over ME! I made it through 8th grade and no one knew my secret. At the time I was living with my mom during the week and my dad took us on the weekends and I was a master at telling stories. So even they didn’t have a clue. Victory!! I started at a new HS where I made new friends, had new coaches and new teachers. By about mid-freshman year I knew exactly what I was doing and I had mastered my problem… although I didn’t admit it was a problem of course. I joined the swim team in the fall, basketball in the winter and softball in the spring. The following year I joined the cross country team, basketball team and the track team. And from April through August each year I was playing AAU basketball. I was active every chance I could get. I appeared to be a happy, motivated, hard working kid that loved life. This went on for two more years without anyone knowing (at least I was never confronted during this time). Then the summer going into my junior year of high school I hit a breaking point. I had torn my ACL for the first time in a summer league basketball game going up for a lay-up. I was ‘out of commission’ due to surgery and rehab that summer and my little problem grew worse and worse. At the time, basketball was my passion, my emotional escape and my life. I was determined to get back on the court as quickly as possible and I knew I made a lot of people angry with my ‘rushed’ recovery because I came back way too soon. I was pretty stubborn to say the least. And because of how I was destroying my body, I was not physically strong enough to come back yet. If you have ever had an injury that stopped you from doing something that you love, you know what it feels like. I only had control over one thing at the time – and it was the only thing that kept me going. It was around then when people started to recognize something wasn’t right and that maybe they should say something. Due to some family struggles, I had been spending a lot of time sleeping at my best friend Jessica’s house. I remember sitting in their living room with Jess and my AAU basketball coach (at the time) and mentor today Dave Chatmon (Jess’s dad) and I knew something was up. They were the first to confront me and I remember getting up and leaving, denying everything and being so angry with the both of them. Anytime the conversation came up from them I avoided it. And it wasn’t until I was sitting in my HS Varsity coaches training office (a few months later) the day before a big game that it hit me. They ALL knew! They told me, “Kristen, we know you have an eating disorder and that you have been starving yourself. And you need to get help!” My secret was out and I didn’t know what to do. I feared the worst and the worst happened. I was told that I would be sitting out of every game and every practice until I got healthy. I was told I needed to see a psychologist, a counselor and a nutritionist before I could get back on the court again. In that moment I had lost all strength. Every emotion I had let dwell inside of me for years came out in the form of tears. They were now in control of MY life.
Have you ever been told you have to do something in order to get something that you want so you do it just to please them but later it comes back to bite you in the butt? Well that’s exactly what happened. I followed protocol, ‘admitted’ I had a problem, ‘fixed’ the problem and a couple months later (just before the season had ended) I was allowed to practice and play again. Although you and I both know, nothing had been fixed… they only put a band-aid over the problem to cover the wound by making me do things I was not ready to do.
During the next few years I had only minor struggles with my ED. I was so focused on college, playing basketball year round, working and trying to get a fresh start in my life that I managed to escape from my little secret for a while and get my life in order. I had bought a house, started a business, my basketball career was going well, I finally picked a profession (after changing my major 3 times) that I wanted to get a degree in. Life seemed to be going well!
Let me remind you that during this time I had no clue who Jesus Christ was. I had never picked up a bible, rarely attended a church and didn’t have any spiritual mentors in my life.
Around my junior year of college so many things were happening. I was working full time on 3rd shift from 8pm until 8am 3-4 nights a week, I was going to school full time from 9am-3pm with some night classes, I was playing college basketball where our practices went from 4pm-6/7pm every day and games 2 nights a week and on weekends and then I was having to go back into work after practices. I was also making strong attempts to build a business. There were multiple days on end where I wouldn’t sleep at all. I’m sure I shaved off of few years of my life during that time. On top of that my grandpa was dying, my mom was going through major personal struggles, my dad’s alcoholism was at it’s worst and I didn’t know how to handle any of it anymore. I had lost control of the life I had neatly put back into order just a few years back.
But this time I knew EXACTLY what I was doing. No one that had met me in college knew my past so I knew it wouldn’t be hard to hide it. I had more freedom and privacy than I ever did in HS, I was so busy I barely had time to even think about eating so I knew it wouldn’t be hard for me fight through the physical pain. I had lost a lot of friends because I never had time to spend with them so I wasn’t worried about my friend’s finding out. Before I knew it I had done more damage in 10-12 months than I did in 3.5 years. I dropped 45 lbs in a matter of a couple months (mostly muscle) because I was in pretty good shape back then and working out a lot, I had less than 10% body fat (which is very low for females) and plateaued for a while and experienced every physical and mental health symptom a person with an eating disorder experiences.
This time however, the changes appeared so drastically and I felt so horrible that even I was scared. I confided in one friend during college of my battle and told no one else. I was never confronted by anyone during that year and looking back I know it was for the better. That friend was the first person who started talking to me about God. I was 21 years old and someone finally had the courage to ask me if I believed in Jesus Christ. I don’t remember the exact words she told me but I do remember how I felt after we talked. I wanted this to end, I wanted to be healthy and I wanted to live. I bought my first bible that next year but had no clue how to read it. It was so frustrating. I wanted some passage to jump out at me and slap me in the face while giving me a warm hug at the same time but none of that happened and none of it made sense.
It was around then when I attended another LIFE leadership convention and I was walking through the tool room and found the book, The Purpose Driven Life, by Rick Warren on the ‘discounted books’ table. I bought it and didn’t tell anyone because I was so embarrassed of my ignorance; or probably just too prideful. At the bottom of the cover it read, “What on earth am I here for?” Exactly the question I had been asking myself for years. I was sure this was the book that would help me start my faith walk. At the time I was so obsessed with working out that once basketball season ended I would go to the cardio center on campus and spend hours burning more and more calories. Except after I bought this book I wanted to be more productive with my reading so I figured out how to walk on a steep incline and read at the same time where I would walk for 2-3 hours a day reading this book. It completely drew me in and started to answer a lot of questions I had never understood.
I was recommended through the LIFE training system to subscribe to the AGO faith CD’s, that too started to put more pieces of the puzzle together. During this entire process I was slowly recovering from my eating disorder and I didn’t even recognize the changes that were happening. My excessive exercising turned into a normal workout routine, I slowly started to forget to weigh myself each day (which that was my controlled accountability at the time) and I didn’t worry as much about every calorie I was consuming. It too was a subtle change, but this time in the right direction. I knew God had a grip on me I just hadn’t yet surrendered to Him.
The friend that I had confided in sent me a text with the verse from Matthew 11:28-30. I read it, “Come to me all you who are weary and overburdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” In this verse Jesus says, “Come to Me.” It’s God’s invitation. I will make your life easier. I will lighten your load. You will have relief. You will have release. You will have rest. You will have rejuvenation. Give Me control and care of your life and watch what I do. Life will get so much easier and less stressful.
It was in that moment that I had given Him control. It was one of the few times in my life up to that point that I found peace. I thought, “if what my friend, the Bible, these CD’s and that book say is true, then I should have nothing to worry about. God has it under control.” The recovery process was so natural that the healing took place with very little discomfort. It seems like it would be almost impossible looking back. I had no support except for one friend who knew what was going on, I had no professional help and I was still living a crazy lifestyle. But it certainly wasn’t impossible with God! I wasn’t angry with anyone, I never had to see another counselor, psychologist or nutritionist to ‘fix’ my problem, all I needed was Christ in my life. He has the power to heal all things!
Just like any addiction, a piece of it always stays with you. In the years since I have been tempted many times due to circumstances that would trigger my ‘control’ meter. I would let my control meter grab me for a week or two and then Jesus would save me again. He always has my back, He always saves me from myself and my poor thinking.
And it wasn’t too much longer after that I was mentoring with LIFE founder George Guzzardo. He knew that I was starting my spiritual walk and helped in the process of understanding scripture and how to read the bible. The time came where he asked me if I had committed my life to Christ in the form of baptism, and if I was ready to do that? I knew I was ready, George didn’t know my story at the time but I knew what Christ was doing in my life and it was no accident. Baptism was the perfect beginning of my journey because when I make a commitment, I keep my commitment. I was blessed to be baptized by two amazing men of faith – Orrin Woodward and George Guzzardo. A moment I will never forget.
My journey is still only just beginning. I have so much to learn and so many people to serve. But the reason I share this is because as I was going through the book of Matthew again, I found that passage that my friend had texted me that led to my salvation. If it wasn’t for my eating disorder, I may have never found a reason to surrender my life to Christ. And if it wasn’t for Christ I may have never recovered from my disorder. We are all led to Him in different ways. So I want to leave you with a couple questions:
What baggage are you carrying around that is separating you from a deeper relationship with Christ?
What secrets are you keeping from others that need to be revealed?
Do you believe in the power of healing?
There are very few people in my life who know this testimony. In fact, if I didn’t think it had the potential to convict at least one person, I probably would not have shared it (it is way too personal for my own comfort). But I have received so much confirmation recently that it would have been selfish of me not to finally reveal it. We all have something that’s hidden deep inside us that we are afraid to let go of; that warm security blanket that we’ve been carrying around for years. It’s time to leave it at the cross; because God is in control and He is the ONLY one who will save you from yourself.
I had a revelation the other day. I was talking with a friend I hadn’t seen since college and it forced me to reflect on the old days. I’m sure we have all done that a time or two. But this time seemed to stick a lot longer in my reflection. We had been extremely close friends for a couple years (still are), almost scary how similar our life’s struggles had been and the commonalities we shared. I know God connected us for a reason. I was thinking about her a lot and missed her so I decided to shoot her a text to see how she was doing and to tell her I was thinking about her. Our communication was as if no time had passed. She was one of my best friends; but upon thinking about our conversation, I couldn’t help but realize a lot of time had passed that I let slip through my fingers. How did that happen? Why did I let that happen?
Don’t you often feel like it was just yesterday that… and you realize it’s been 5 years since then. Then you start to think about how fast the time has passed and eventually analyze whether that time was invested in the things that matter most to you. I have had that moment more times than once recently so it moved me to write this post.
Psalm 90:12 says, “So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.” Wisdom means knowledge of what is true or right. I feel that many times we don’t live our life with wisdom. We chase after mediocrity (sometimes) unknowingly, we fall victim to the world’s perception of ‘what’s right & wrong,’ we let days, weeks, months and even years pass with grudges in our heart; I could go on and on. Then we reflect on our life and get anxious because so much time has passed with little accomplishment. What I find even more profound is that this revelation happens to each and every one of us at some point and yet many people do nothing with it.
As Chris Brady recently stated in his article, “Motivational Myths” many people have heard or said the phrase, it’s never too late. “But there is one certainty as reliable as taxes: there IS a time when it’s too late. When you’re dead, it’s too late! Or when you’ve blown the important relationships in your life, it is probably too late. Or when you have destroyed your health, it’s too late! There IS a too late!”
So we have to stop living as if we have forever. We don’t have forever and there is a too late! And with that I comprised a list of daily habits I can commit to in order to ensure that I am living each day with wisdom:
Tell the people you love that you love them.
Evaluate priorities and ensure that the most important priorities are accomplished.
Encourage everyone you come into contact with.
Smile.
If you are thinking about someone, tell them you are thinking about them.
I know what you are thinking. How simple! But how many times do the simple things get lost and neglected in the chaos of life. I love the-life-business because it gives people a light into their future. It tells people that change is important, that people are important and that life is important. If it wasn’t for Orrin Woodward, George Guzzardo and all the LIFE founders, who had the courage years ago to develop wisdom and decide to live a life of excellence I know that my life may have been lived with many regrets. There is really no way to show that appreciation except by following their example and leading others to the same information so they too can have that same opportunity.
I heard this song on a Christian radio station the other day and thought it would end this article well.
Please feel free to add to my list above in the comments section. We will all benefit from them.
“But concerning that day or that hour, no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.” Mark 13:32
