‘Beneath every cloud there is a silver lining’ is a phrase I think of all too often when faced with challenges. I received a text message from a friend a couple of weeks ago regarding her job loss. Her response to this difficulty was, “it’s okay, this just frees up more of my time so I can build my business and spend more time with my children.” This perspective encouraged me and helped me to see how God often uses challenges for good.
Of course, if you are reading this in the midst of a major set-back, I know it’s hard to see the silver lining. But please keep reading. I was going for a walk this morning marveling at the beauty of God’s creation when I noticed an airplane far off into the distance. Within seconds the plane disappeared. Clearly it had flown through a big patch of dark clouds that interrupted the plane’s route. I can only imagine the turbulence the passenger’s on that plane were experiencing as I was watching from a distance in the calm of my morning walk. I thought about the enormity of this vehicle transporting hundreds of passenger’s from one destination to the next and how from my perspective in that instant the plane appeared as nothing more than a spec in the sky. But for the passenger’s on that plane, experiencing that turbulence, I am certain those civilians were just praying for the ‘turbulence’ to go away – they weren’t thinking about the silver lining.
The silver lining principle is nothing more than having the right perspective. As I watched that plane literally disappear into the clouds I immediately recognized the silver lining God was revealing to me. Up close, our challenges may appear big and overwhelming. But, from a distance they are nothing more than a dot in the universe. I imagine God looking down on us as we battle the decisions and calamity of such stress in the midst of these trials and His response, “(my child)…For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us” Romans 8:18. Therefore, we must look to Him when faced with these tests in order to gain the proper perspective.
This analogy reminded me of the story that Glavin Reid shared of a young man who had fallen down some stairs as an infant and had shattered his back. He had been in and out of hospitals his whole life with one surgery after another. But at 17 years of age this young man made the comment that He thought God was more than fair with him. When Galvin Reid reminded him that he had practically lived his whole life in hospitals, he asked the young man, “How can you say that God is fair?” He smiled and said, “God has all of eternity to make it up to me.” In our sufferings, it helps to see things from an eternal point of view and know that our pain has no comparison with the joy and glory of living eternally with God. In light of Heaven, the worst suffering on earth will be seen to be no more serious than one night in an inconvenient hotel.
We will never be able to avoid the tests and trials (the clouds) that come at us in life. But, having the right perspective will offer peace and encouragement through the turbulence. There is something so magnificent knowing that God already knows the solutions to our problems. We may not understand them but God does. Our worst brings out His best.
I pray that you choose the proper perspective and see the Son beyond the clouds and the light that illuminates the silver lining through the turbulence.
“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28
“Give thanks to the God of heaven, for His steadfast love endures forever.” Psalm 136:26
This time of year often carries a different meaning for different people. Many people love this time of year because it is filled with the holidays, fun, family, food and love. Other people dread this time of year because it can reflect a time of grief for loved ones not here, conflict in families, loneliness and stress. I personally fall right in the middle of these two categories.
I spent this afternoon setting up my Christmas tree and hanging decorations for the holiday season – a fairly common ‘ritual’ for most people around this time of year. But it was while listening to the meaning behind the lyrics of the Christmas songs that were playing in the background while warming my hands and feet in front of the fireplace that I was inspired to write this post.
Earlier this week I was extremely frustrated and stressed about some personal matters. I had a hard time dealing with the emotions associated and found myself yelling at God in anger because I just didn’t understand why it was happening or how to fix it (as if it was God’s fault). Instead of humbly asking God to help me, I was angry with Him… and carried this anger with me all week!
As my heart started to race and tears began to shed this morning in church I couldn’t help but ask God for forgiveness, help and guidance. He reminded me of Friday afternoon when my high school students displayed the sort of love that is often times only revealed through God.
One of my seniors had injured her self fairly severely in an activity and immediately my students took action. What I didn’t realize until I got into my car that afternoon was the type of love they displayed. A type of love we don’t often talk about and doesn’t always get recognition – unspoken love. In a matter of seconds I had students leading with their heart; one student ran to get an ice pack, another ran to get a wheelchair, another ran to get a cell phone to call the girl’s mom and another ran to get a nurse while others stood by to encourage her and dry her tears. Seconds later one student boldly suggested, “I think we should pray” and she led her remaining classmates in a prayer. What was so beautiful about this moment was the realization that they did this all without my instruction – it came purely from the love in their hearts. It was a very proud and memorable moment for me and more importantly for God. I guarantee that young lady left school feeling deeply loved.
It was in my reflection this morning and again later this afternoon that I realized how simple it is to display love and conversely receive love without words (just like my students modeled on Friday). Like…the unspoken love of laughter, the unspoken love of a warm hug, the unspoken love of a card filled with X’s and O’s, the unspoken love of holding someone’s hand, the unspoken love of a listening ear, the unspoken love of dancing to no music, the unspoken love of a child climbing into your lap, the unspoken love of a knowing glance, the unspoken love of a tiny hand grabbing your finger or the unspoken love of serving someone else. Who doesn’t like to give and receive this kind of love?
But I believe the most obvious and powerful unspoken love we can receive is the love of God. No matter how angry we may be with Him (or ourselves), no matter what sin we violate, no matter how broken our hearts may be or how lonely we may feel we can find peace, comfort and hope in the unspoken love of God. It was the unspoken love of God that filled my heart this morning when I needed it the most. He continued to love me even when I didn’t deserve it.
God hears every unspoken word, sees every unseen wound and mends every unbearable pain. There is no problem He can’t solve or question He can’t answer. We just have to be patient enough to listen and faithful enough to trust Him.
So as we enter into a time of holiday cheer, laughter, fun, family, food and love, lets not forget about those who don’t have anyone to celebrate with or those who are facing health challenges, a family crisis or overwhelming stress. Not only should we embrace the love in the everyday things around us but also display and share the unspoken love of God in our hearts to those who may need the hope and love of Jesus the most during this time.
“God’s unfailing love for us is an objective fact affirmed over and over in the Scriptures. It is true whether we believe it or not. Our doubts do not destroy God’s love, nor does our faith create it. It originates in the very nature of God, who is love, and it flows to us through our union with His beloved Son.” Jerry Bridges
I had been sitting at the airport restaurant waiting for my flight to depart when the waitress approached and asked if anyone would be joining me. To which I responded, “nope, just me.”
For the majority of my life that phrase has been a normal part of my vocabulary. In fact, thinking back, the longest relationship I ever had in high school lasted three months and I can hardly call it a relationship because I was barely 16 years old. In fact just a couple of months after I broke up with him he started dating a really good friend of mine and they have been together ever since. Today he and my friend are married and have a child together. What a blessing that it didn’t work out because they are the perfect couple. God had it planned.
College wasn’t any better. For four and a half years I devoted my life to education, basketball, business and work. The last thing I cared about prioritizing into that schedule was a man. Once I graduated I realized how lonely life had been due to the poor relationships I had with people and many years of isolation; that loneliness led to a period of desperation where I just wanted to meet someone. A good friend of mine from college was in a similar boat so we willingly agreed to try online dating together. Both of us were too prideful to admit to our friends and family we were doing it and our lack of success in the process proved to be accurate as we both failed miserably… but, formed a library of funny stories in the process.
About a year after that experiment I took it upon myself to give it another try. This time though I had been starting my spiritual journey and I could see more clearly the type of man I was looking for. Another friend had referred me to a Christian dating website that she had found success in and it had led me to my first official adult relationship at the age of 24 (nearly 8 years later). The person I met had every quality I had been looking for but I realized 9 months into it that we had no chemistry so… we broke up. Six months later he met the woman of his dreams and he too is now married with two children. God had that one planned too.
Ever since then I have been single. In fact when people say they have been single their entire life, I hesitate to believe them unless they have a track record as slim as mine (less than 12 months of relationship experience in 28 years). I am still not sure if I should be proud or embarrassed of that. For as long as I can remember I have questioned what was wrong with me as I patiently sit on the side lines lovingly watching my friends walk down the aisle and bring children into this world with tears of joy streaming down my face but tears of sadness filling my heart as I question whether it will ever happen for me. I jokingly embrace my single-ness to other people but deep down I long to meet that special someone. I confidently express my patience to the public as I wait on God’s timing but deep down I continue to question if God really does have someone for me.
Psalms 145:16 says, “You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing.”
I read this verse as if it says, if you desire to be married, if in your deepest of hearts you desire a mate, then God will satisfy that desire. It wasn’t until I started to grow closer in my relationship with God that my patience grew stronger. Granted, it is easy to lose that grip when the temptation and pressure to be in a committed relationship gains weight and you start to lose your patience. But, my single friends, you are worth more than a casual non-committed relationship. Don’t lose your grip. You are valuable, you are precious. You deserve commitment and stability and God promises that. It’s funny because I often tell my friends that when I find ‘the one’ he better be ready. I don’t have time to waste in the normal two years of dating and another two year engagement. Ha, but then I am reminded of how naive that statement is. It isn’t my timing, it’s God’s timing. (Oh, and I suppose he has to know to).
What I have learned is that when we pursue a relationship for the wrong reasons we ultimately fall into relationships that are drenched in drama. God does not want us to ‘settle’ for something less. It is finding that place of peaceful existence with the person God has prepared for us. I want to be in a relationship that doesn’t compete with my relationship with God. I know it exists. We can have both. We don’t have to choose one or the other. We just have to have peace in knowing that it’s out there for us.
The purpose of this article is to encourage other single men and women to be patient and find peace in being single. I promise that the plan God has for you is worth waiting for.
A mask of plastic happiness often covers her sadness
Her beliefs hidden from most
Afraid of, but willing to face the unknown
Wondering where her place is in this life
She has come close to sharing herself
Never completely revealing anything to anyone
Feelings of invisible chains corner her
When she dreams, reality shatters before her very eyes
Accomplishments she strives for just at hands grasp
She feels lost sometimes, not yet finding her notch in this world
At times the glimmer in her calm eyes slowly disappears
But within her heart a silent flame burns her inside and out
She roams day by day, playing roles
Strength unknowingly resides in her
History repeats itself once again
The translucent veil she so proudly wears
Little by little answers will come, pushing it aside
One day there will be no more mask for her to wear
One day her beliefs will be known
One day she’ll know her place in this life
One day she will share herself
One day this mask will be no more.
Author: Unknown
For as long as I can remember I have been accused of not showing enough emotion. My natural tendency is to build a wall up around me that is so rock solid that even the strongest storms of life can’t tear it down. In fact, for many years I was proud of my proverbial toughness. I thought unemotional people were more stable, independent and strong. So anytime I was put in a situation where I was asked to express myself, the walls would only thicken. The less people knew about me, the stronger I felt. I could wear this mask that I believe rendered a woman of strength, confidence and happiness. What I didn’t recognize was the expression on the face of the mask. It only displayed one emotion – emptiness.
Connecting to our emotions can be scary. Most of us have been brought up to hide, suppress or even completely deny how we are feeling. We often believe we will be overwhelmed if we feel too much, so we take the very unhealthy option of shutting down or escaping by numbing and hiding our emotions. We often times forget what it feels like to be happy, excited, surprised, afraid, angry, sad or embarrassed. Instead we become very expressionless.
I always believed (regarding myself) that it was no one’s business what goes on inside the walls of my life. Those ‘behind the scenes’ moments were between me and God. My emotions were less revealing as my walls grew thicker and thicker. The years of guarding my heart and hiding inside my emotionless state of being left me standing inside those walls lost and alone. I would have friends share very personal struggles with me as I empathized with them trying to put myself in their situation and I welcomed those conversations with open arms. But when it came to removing my mask and tearing down my walls, I just turned my cheek. This not only changed the dynamic of our conversation but also the relationship I had with that person.
What I have recognized is that if we are not open to feeling, it makes it harder to actually give and receive. We can’t truly connect or engage with others. Our body is our barometer of truth. It never lies. It was very evident to me yesterday morning at church. We stood up in worship, one of my favorite parts of the service, and I could just feel the tension in my body. I was stiff and emotionless. My songs of praise felt more like songs of practice as I didn’t appreciate the message or meaning of the lyrics I was singing. In most instances my heart is filled with joy and gratitude but this particular morning I could feel the walls starting to build around the most important relationship I have. In this case my lack of openness and emotion affected my relationship with God but on a larger scale it affects every aspect of every relationship we cherish. God forgives but sometimes people don’t. God knows how to break down our walls but sometimes people don’t. If we want to truly connect with people, we have to be willing to remove our mask and tear down our walls. It is the only way we can genuinely empathize with other people, celebrate with other people and love other people.
Just as the word itself suggests – emotion is e-motion. It simply means energy moving through us. It needs to be expressed! If you’re excited – hoot and holler! If you’re happy, smile 🙂
I would be deceiving myself if I didn’t admit that I still struggle with this daily. But having an incredible organization like LIFE leadership that encourages the development of deep relationships with others and mentoring with men and women like George and Jill Guzzardo and Orrin and Laurie Woodward who model what it means to be transparent, makes the growing process so fulfilling. I pray that God inspires others to tear down their walls and remove their masks in order to reveal the beautiful masterpiece that has been created – YOU.
Thought this video was very fitting for this post. I hope it blesses your day:
Yesterday morning was one of those sweatshirt, leisure walk and coffee kind of days. As I made my way down to the river my mind started to wander in directions I didn’t anticipate. I first reflected on the incredible weekend I just had in Milwaukee for the LIFE Leadership convention. I am so blessed to be able to spend time with and learn from so many incredible men and women. The warmth in my heart spread throughout my body as I fought to stay warm on this brisk 38 degree morning.
I sat down on one of the park benches overlooking the water and gazed up at the beautiful colors of the changing tree leaves and looked around realizing just how quiet and empty this often busy area was today.
It made me think about life and how important it is to just slow down and appreciate all the little things that surround us. I think sometimes we forget that our lives are filled with so many intricate details that fill in the gaps of our happiness where most big things just can’t reach. I love to hear people tell me stories about the little things they enjoy.
For instance, I have so many great memories of when my grandpa was alive. One of the little things I loved to do was sit in the back patio with my grandpa on a summer day and look out into the yard. We would watch the squirrels chase each other up the trees and watch birds splash in the bird bath. Then we would play in the garden searching for the ripe vegetables that needed to be pulled off the vine. We didn’t have a lot of conversation but just enough to know that we were both there, that we loved each other and that we enjoyed our time together. Our evenings consisted of watching his favorite show, Wheel of Fortune while I would lay on the couch, head resting on his lap as he would rub my back. He was called Home in 2008 but I have nothing but wonderful memories of the time we shared together.
Another little thing I love to do is give and receive hugs. I have this friend who I believe gives the best hugs in the world. Have you ever met someone like that? (She knows who she is). Most hugs last less that two seconds and don’t carry a lot of meaning behind them but ours will carry on for 30 seconds or longer. For most people that might feel awkward, but for us we just love it!
Other little things like curling up with a good book next to a warm fire place, watching ducks float along the surface of the water, morning coffee and scripture while sitting on the rocks over-looking Lake Michigan, sitting in a boat with good company fishing for an experience (not just fish), afternoon lunches with grandma, warm apple cider, hammocks, Fall colors, making small talk with people, sunrises, sunsets, the sound of children’s laughter, having a deep and meaningful conversation with a friend, an afternoon nap, serving people, candles, singing out loud, laughing uncontrollably, hearing a good song for the first time, a good workout, the smell of freshly brewed coffee, a good hug, gazing into a babies eyes, hot chocolate, board games, the first snow fall, skipping rocks, and on and on and on.
I once heard this quote, “In an effort to reach the moon, we often fail to see the flowers that blossom at our feet.” Life is so much more than working, paying bills and climbing up the dead end ladder of success. Unfortunately most people I talk to say this is all their life is about. When I ask them what they enjoy to do outside of this reality most of them hesitate and have forgotten what makes them truly happy. We don’t need fancy vacations, nice cars, big houses and a lot of money to make us happy and yet, that’s what most people are chasing after. I dare you to ask anyone with material things if those items are their source of happiness. I guarantee 99.9% of all of them will tell you no. It’s about having choices, not being limited, trapped or controlled and living in such a way that is fulfilling and purposeful. And no matter what it is that you do or what direction you are going, it is important to make time for the little things that you love. For me, I love all these things listed above and while I certainly can’t fit in all of these things daily, I can make time for just a few. And I do – every day – no matter how busy the day is.
I found this video to show a pretty powerful illustration of how important it is for us to enjoy each day:
So I ask again, what would you do if you had just one more day?
This question invaded my mind every day over the last several months when I was battling life with a brain tumor – I was not guaranteed 28,835 days (none of us are). I was only guaranteed one day, the day that I woke up and realized I was still here. And some of those days I felt so bad that I would pray it wouldn’t be my last. I didn’t go sky diving or rocky mountain climbing, I just did all the little things I love to do – every day – no matter how busy the day was.
The video illustration was only an average, not a guarantee. God only knows when our last day will be and as far as I am concerned we all really only have one more day to live – and that’s today. We should all plan and prepare for the future but never forget to live in the present.
So what little things will you do today to fill the gaps of the happiness void in your life that so often gets neglected?
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control.” Galatians 5:22
“In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’” Acts 20:35
A few months ago I was driving through my hometown and decided to swing by my mom’s house to drop off a few groceries she needed me to pick up for her while she was at work. I wasn’t there for more than five minutes when the doorbell rang. I normally wouldn’t have answered the door but because I was only going to be there a couple minutes I decided to leave the front door open revealing evidence that someone was there. So I proceeded to answer and met a young high school graduate who was going door to door selling magazine subscriptions. Normally, my natural response would have been that I am not interested (no questions asked), especially provided that it wasn’t even my house. But instead, I responded with some questions.
She proceeded to tell me that she was selling these subscriptions to raise money for a mission trip she was planning to go on. I asked her how her sales were going and she said, ‘Not very well. Most people are either not home or not answering their door.’ I understood completely how she may have been feeling and yet, her energy was contagious, her attitude positive and her passion exuding through her beautiful smile. So I decided to invite her inside and ask her a few more questions. Deep down I was telling myself, I have no desire to invest in a magazine subscription. I hadn’t bought a magazine in over 10 years. But, I knew I wanted to help her out. I asked her how much the subscriptions were and if I could just make a one time donation in the amount of the subscription to go towards her trip (without the magazines). She said yes but then told me if I ‘donate’ my subscription she gets more credit towards her trip. Then I asked her who I could donate the subscription to and she said anyone… or, I could donate to the Children’s Hospital and that gives her the most credit towards her trip. Obviously a no-brainer for me, that’s exactly what I wanted to do. She told me what the most popular children’s magazine subscription was and I wrote her the check. This young teenager had such a great spirit about her and it felt great to help her out.
Please don’t take this the wrong way though, this wasn’t about me at all. I just happened to be exactly where God needed me to be to help this young lady out; this was all about Brittany. I was so impressed with her courage, her passion, her love for people, her attitude, her commitment and her perseverance – she was raising money to go out and serve people. If that isn’t an act of kindness and doing God’s work, I don’t know what else is.
Kindness doesn’t involve much; it just requires a loving heart. Many people think that it takes money to ‘do good’ for others. While money does help, it isn’t a requirement. Offering a listening ear to a lonely person, sharing a smile as someone passes by, offering to give someone a ride home who doesn’t have transportation or displaying a positive attitude in a stressful situation are all simple ways we can show kindness on a daily basis. Displaying a service before self disposition is one of the noblest ways to live and will surely create a ripple effect you never thought possible.
I learned this principle by observing the actions of men and women like Orrin and Laurie Woodward and George and Jill Guzzardo and spending time around the LIFE leadership community. In fact, I don’t know of any other organization on the planet that shows more kindness or a service before self attitude. That being said, let’s create a kindness revolution and live to serve others just as God lives to serve us.
“As for you, brothers, do not grow weary in doing good.” 2 Thessalonians 3:13
Life is a series of events. We are born, we grow up, we go through school, we make friends, we get educated, we find a job, we get married, we buy a house, we have children, we retire, we grow old and we die. Everyone’s order of events may be slightly different but for the most part the events follow the same line. What makes each person unique is the story that is created between events. The dreams, the struggles, the lessons learned, the conflict, the growth, the love, the purpose and the victories. I believe God knows our story even before we are born (Jeremiah 1:5). However, sometimes it is the decisions we make in life that can interrupt the pattern and outcome of our story.
Re-born 2009
For example, there was a time in my life that I did not know Jesus. In fact I made it all the way to my early 20’s before I had even learned who He was. It was a time of confusion, hopelessness, frustration, conflict and dis-function. The decisions I made were not Christ centered, they were ‘me’ centered. God recognized my selfish ways and used other people to open my heart to His word. Whether you believe or not, you are created with the spirit of God and whether you are born into a family that aspires for you to develop a relationship with Him or you discover it on your own, He is in you. For me, He put people in my life who could educate, lead and inspire me to know Him. Oh how grateful I am for that because I am not sure how I would have made it through the last several months without Him.
I would say my story is very unique in that it seems every chapter of my life carries a weight of baggage that gets heavier with each passing year. Between a divorce, murder, abuse, alcoholism, eating disorder and everything in between I could easily say I am no stranger to challenges (however, these challenges don’t define me anymore). So when I was diagnosed with a brain tumor I didn’t react how most people might. I didn’t get real emotional and I didn’t get angry, I just got really confused. Like when you work so hard for something and it doesn’t turn out the way you want it to. I thought, “God, what the heck are you thinking? I have so much to do… I’m not finished yet, I’ve barely started… Why are you doing this? I don’t understand…” I just sat in the office chair with my eyes closed and head leaning against the wall as my doctor delivered the results. Confusion is a very frustrating place to be. I returned to my car and just sat there in silence not knowing if I should scream, cry or pray.
Over the next few weeks I reflected on the last several years. I was reminded of the possible symptoms I was hiding from that could have been signs. Since high school I had dealt with bad headaches. Some which left me hospitalized due to seizure-like symptoms. I recall a specific time in college during basketball season after one of our long road trips that I had experienced a headache like none other on the bus ride home and I didn’t say anything to anyone. I remember walking down towards the parking lot in the middle of winter with a gym bag and backpack at about 1 o’clock in the morning. Then the last thing I remembered were the two men’s team players helping my coach lift me into her vehicle where I was taken to the ER, drugged and sent home. I obviously must have passed out from the pain. Over the course of at least 7 years I had multiple tests done including sleep studies and EEG’s with diagnosis ranging from cluster headaches to migraines but I was never given an MRI. I was so used to ‘dealing’ with pain by now that any probable signs didn’t appear as red flags – they were just bad days. The ‘pharmacy’ I started to acquire from the cocktail of medications on my counter only left me more frustrated and hopeless. And nothing ever seemed to work at prevention. Whether the headaches I still continue to get have anything to do with the tumor is beyond my comprehension but I am sure having a brain tumor didn’t help any.
So after college and for the last five years I gave up seeing doctor’s. I was sick of getting the run around – I just had to learn to deal with it. It didn’t help that I didn’t have health insurance and I knew how expensive healthcare was. I wasn’t about to get into debt over this incurable pain and it was enough of an excuse to avoid any further medical treatment altogether. Young, active, healthy me is now learning the hard way. (P.S. if you are reading this and you don’t have health insurance – GET IT NOW!!! Learn from my mistakes). Then, in two back to back years – 2011 & 2012 I hit a deer (both in mid November late at night) and totaled two cars. Thankfully the deer I hit in 2011 I was able to walk away from without a scratch. My car and that deer didn’t get so lucky though. But God has an interesting sense of humor. He obviously was doing everything in His power to get me to a doctor because after the 2012 deer hit (going 80 mph on the freeway) I was left with a ‘head injury’ of all things. Thank God that’s all it was but it was enough of a burden to leave me lifeless for several weeks. To think, God sacrificed that poor deer’s life for me.
Eventually, I started to have some good days following the accident and was trying to adjust getting back to normalcy. Then one night, while at home alone I felt the rush of heat and blindness overcome me and down I went – hitting my forehead against a wall on the way down. As soon as I regained consciousness I texted my friend Joanne to come over and she immediately drove me to Froedert. That’s where the brain tumor diagnosis began. For at least two months after the diagnosis (during the watch and wait period) I was in a restless state of denial – this can’t possibly be real. But once they did the 2nd MRI, reality had set in. That was definitely a turning point for me. When we go through struggles and finally face the truth we really only have two options in how to handle them – we can develop a will to fail or a will to fight. The will to fail attitude is a point of giving up, defeat and cowardice. Failure in this situation would end in my demise so my only option was to fight.
I had some pretty big decisions to make moving forward. I am naturally a very indecisive person so making these types of life and death decisions were not easy. There were many days I was so afraid to face the situation that I didn’t even want to get out of bed. Just think about a time when life was really difficult. The world would continue to move forward without you but it seemed like your world stopped. And no matter how much you wanted to move with the world, negative forces were constantly pulling you back. I just wanted to fast forward through this entire scene of my life and yet it seemed to be going in slow motion. The 2nd MRI results terrified me – the tumor was growing and it was growing fast. Anymore growth and it was certain I would lose my sight. It suddenly made sense why my vision seemed so off all the time. The tumor was also pressing against critical nerves and blood vessels that made it inoperable and life threatening. I was no longer confused, I was scared. I was not prepared to die yet, this was not good news! Everything started to move really fast after that point. My only escape route out of this was to make decisions I didn’t want to make and do things I didn’t want to do. As odd as this sounds, I almost wished they would have just told me, “Kristen, you need brain surgery.” At least then the decisions would have been out of my hands. Or so I thought…
Lesson 1 – ALWAYS Seek Council
Many of the poor decisions I made in the past resulted from following my own advice. I did not seek counsel and I did not seek God. I am thankful to have mentors like George and Jill Guzzardo and Dave and Tina Chatmon who were able to help with the decision-making process. But the most important connection I made was with God. It was ultimately Him who I seeked most.
My first option was to combine 6 weeks of radiation with a daily chemotherapy drug which was shown to delay tumor growth. I was told that radiation can cause hair loss at the point of contact, inflammation in the mouth, difficulty chewing, speaking or swallowing, poor appetite due to changes in food taste, fatigue, personality changes, memory problems, secondary cancers and infertility. So wait a minute… I might not be able to eat…or think…or have children? How is this helping me again? I did not want to do radiation for the life of me but unfortunately my options were so limited I didn’t have much of a choice. This was the quickest and most effective way to stop the tumor from growing. Quick, HA! It was the longest 6 weeks of my life. But thankfully it worked (according to the results from the 3rd MRI). But the treatments didn’t stop there. Because of the location and urgency, I needed to start the next option of treatment to potentially shrink the tumor – tiered chemotherapy for a minimum of 6 to 12 months – much different than the one I was given with the radiation. The list of side effects are much too long to list but the biggest blessing that came of it was that I didn’t lose all my hair (like they mentioned I might). As superficial as I felt it was, it was really the only sense of dignity I had left. (I have to thank my friend and hairstylist Sandy for the extra prayers on that one).
The poisons and the toxins that consumed my body were enough to send me to an early grave but by the grace of God my life was spared. During all of this I was so conflicted. Just imagine what it would be like if someone told you that in order to save your life you would have to drink poison (because that’s what chemotherapy is). And yet each day I had to face this mental hurdle. While I was trusting God to lead me in the right direction, I continued to fear making wrong decisions.
But God had a plan. He always does. He heard my cries and He recognized my fear. He was just waiting for the right time to reveal His perfect plan. I think God sometimes uses pain in order to heal.
In June, I attended the LIFE leadership convention in Ohio. I had been looking forward to it for months. I prayed constantly that God would relieve me of my physical pain just for a few days. All I wanted was one weekend of learning, excitement, laughter, fellowship and fun. I didn’t think it was asking too much. But God thought differently. Instead of feeling great that weekend, I was miserable. The intense noise in the arena, the confined seating arrangements, the flashing lights, the nauseating aroma of hot dogs, pizza and popcorn lingering through the hallways – it was so uncomfortable. It was the middle of day two when I received the text from my mentor Jill Guzzardo. “How are you doing?”
Lesson 2 – ALWAYS Choose Honesty
I have always been guilty of hiding my feelings and emotions. I don’t like to complain just as much as I don’t like complainers. But when the text came in this time I had another decision to make – tell her I was great, or tell her the truth. A dishonest prideful response would have only left me alone back at my hotel room for the remainder of the night and weekend (and of course the rest of this story would not even exist). What did I have to lose, maybe she could help.
In short, I told Jill how I was really doing and she went into action. To my surprise she was able to lead me to a comfortable, quiet place where I could spend the remainder of the weekend – something I would have never expected. While that decision led to a series of God moments, the most important God moment happened Sunday afternoon when my friends Laurie and Terri explained a treatment option to me that I hadn’t thought about – homeopathy. I was then encouraged to follow up with an incredible woman named Jenn who is specially trained in this field.
This was also unfamiliar territory for me so I continued to reflect on the weekend and pray about the decision before moving forward. I just didn’t want to set myself up for even more disappointment. But I knew I could trust these woman more than anyone so what did I really have to lose? Thankfully I received so much confirmation and it just continued to build my belief and confidence in the process.
Two weeks later and away I went. Initially I started with 12 gallons of ‘formulated’ water and 400 natural supplements that I was told break up tumors. I was so used to taking pills that downing 100 supplements a day for 4 days was a piece of cake. No side effects, no pain – this was awesome!! I received the first regimen before visiting Jenn for the first time because we wanted to get the process moving. Instructions were to drink a half gallon to a gallon a day so I drank a gallon. In my first visit with Jenn she found multiple tumors using her scan in the same location that the MRI showed. Wow this thing was accurate! After identifying the tumors and the crud that created them in the first place I was assigned with 11 more gallons that were more customized towards my chemical make up along with 200 more supplements. The process is too complicated for me to explain, I didn’t really care about how it worked, I just wanted it to work! And 23 gallons of water and 600 supplements later, at my 2nd visit with Jenn the tumors were gone! I was issued 6 more gallons and 3 more bottles of supplements for brain ‘clean up’ but according to her scan, I was tumor free!
Lesson 3 – ALWAYS Trust God
Truthfully, I had no confidence in the radiation or chemotherapy. I couldn’t understand how it could possibly work. I just felt like they were delaying the inevitable. But I continued to trust God that He would work it all out.
I can guarantee that if it wasn’t for my faith this journey and story would be so much different. I’ve heard it said before that God never gives us more than we can handle. So He must have thought I could handle this and every test along the way. There were so many times I found myself taking early morning drives down to the lake and afternoon walks down by the river in order to ‘escape’ and spend time thinking and praying without distraction. All the little decisions that I trusted Him with could have meant a completely different outcome had I not turned to Him.
Just to confirm that Jenn’s test was accurate I went to get my 4th MRI and for the first time I felt peace of mind knowing that whatever the result, God was in control. If I was meant to be healed, I would be. And deep down I just knew this had to be part of His plan. He had equipped and put more amazing people in my path in order to prove His faithfulness. Well, the results came back and it confirmed what I already knew to be true, the tumors were gone!! The look of shock on my doctor’s face was absolutely priceless! He even double checked the name to make sure he had the right report 🙂 Yup, it was mine! This man, a brain oncology and neuro specialist with over 31 years of practice was undeniably speechless for the longest and most awkward minute imaginable. In my steady flow of tears I was able to express my faith with him and I could just feel the Holy spirit working on his heart.
It’s nearly impossible to describe the feelings I had as I approached my car and sat down after the appointment. I didn’t call anyone for at least an hour because it too left me speechless. All I could do was thank God for this blessing and all the people who might now come to know Him as a result of His healing. I thanked Him for the people who have supported and prayed through all this and for the doctor’s who didn’t waste any time starting treatments and delivering results. I thanked Him for using women like Terri, Laurie, Jill and Jenn and for giving them the courage to reach out and recommend an alternative approach. I just have so much to be thankful for! Honestly, I still can’t grasp how this could have logically happened, it is still so surreal but I just know it had to be the work of God. Every doctor who viewed my reports told me my best chance was a calcified tumor that stopped growing. None of them ever considered a disappearance. Wow, God is great!
Up until last week all I could think about was the little time I might have left on this earth. And if this was the way He wanted me to go, then I needed to be ready. While I prayed for healing I was also preparing for Heaven. There is a quote by Plato that says, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” I don’t know where you are at today in your life but I want to assure you that God has a perfect plan for your situation. You may not know what that is and chances are none of us will ever know until we see Him again – all we can do is continue to trust God and live our lives for Him.
Ironically I heard this song multiple times throughout my journey:
I just want to take a moment to thank everyone for the prayers and support throughout all of this. A major challenge for me was putting my ego aside in order to let people in on the journey. But it wasn’t for me, it was for Him. And as the amazing Terri Brady would remind me, “compassion is showing your scars to someone with open wounds.” Just as she shared her scars with me, I hope to be able to do the same for others who are battling similar circumstances. I like to say that my life is just another reflection of God’s amazing grace. While I know I don’t deserve the many blessings He has given me, He still continues to love me anyways.
Events like this should serve as constant reminders to not take anything for granted. Each day we are given is special and we should always live it as such. No matter what I will continue to give God all the glory in everything I do with the time He gives me.
“For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.” Jeremiah 29:11-13
We will never be able to avoid the tests and trials (the clouds) that come at us in life. But, having the right perspective will offer peace and encouragement through the turbulence. There is something so magnificent knowing that God already knows the solutions to our problems. We may not understand them but God does. Our worst brings out His best.
